Lindora Diet from a man's view day 5

"Venison"

Day 5.. All the egg eating and chicken tolerating is supposed to be over with today. What do I get as a yummy breakfast from my wife you ask?????? An egg.. and an orange. "How is it?" She asked. "Its tastes as bad as it has the last few days, minus the orange. That was good." "Do you want another one?" She excitedly asks.. "YOU KNOW I DO!" I exclaim with great excitement. "OK! You can have another one for lunch.".......wtf?

So.. I'm excited to try new stuff.. I'm done with chicken at this point. We had been traveling and were on the way home. What should we stop and get, I ask. "I brought chicken for you." My wife tells me. "F*CK YES! CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THAT SH*T!" I shout out in my head while I contemplate the odds of me surviving jumping out of a moving vehicle on the highway. I eat the chicken.. wtf #2

We pass a freshly roadkilled deer on the side of the road. All I could think was, "I bet that would taste good." I chuckle to myself. apparently not as quietly as I thought because my wife wanted to know what was so funny. I told her its the first time in my life I ever saw a deer dead on the side of the road and started daydreaming about grilling it. wtf #3

We get home and its time.. She bought it. Its here now..... I almost cry when I see it. I'm not a very emotional man, but I'm not afraid to admit it when something matters this much to me. STEAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She got steak. My little hints like "THIS ISN'T STEAK," "WHY DONT WE HAVE STEAL??!" and "THIS WOULD BE BETTER IF IT WAS STEAK." have finally paid off. I've been studying online how to cook it in a way she will "allow." I've cooked this steak in my head 50 times already. THAT B*TCH IS MINE!

Its a flank steak, but I don't care at this point. I'll be lucky if I finish cooking it before I tear into it. Its like a fresh kill that I have to eat before the other hyenas smell it and I have to fend them off.  I pan grilled it with fresh garlic, pepper, a little salt, and some sodium/taste free thing my wife said I could use. There...It was cooked. It didn't even matter that it was portioned into a 3.5 oz pre-cooked weighted portion. It was steak. It wasn't chicken. It wasn't a f*cking egg. It wasn't one of those stupid nasty protein bars or glasses of milk. It was steak. And it was mine. AND IT WAS DELICIOUS! There was also a slice of watermelon and a half of cucumber to fill me up. None of that mattered though. For there was steak.

Not a bad day. Didn't have a scale, but I don't care. It was steak day.
God bless steak!

Lindora Diet from a man's view day 4

I'd like to title this entry "Anal Expressions"

Ok, I was traveling, so this is a little late. Day 4... My last protein day. (in theory). I wake up, have an egg and take my 3 dogs to the vet. While there I was instructed about my little dog Rufus. Apparently his anal glands were in need of expressions... Here's how that went down:
Vet: Oh, my, he's full. Do you express his anal glands at home?
Me: Sorry, what?
Vet: Do you express his anal glands frequently..
Me: uhhhh.. not that I know of.
Vet: He'll need it done before they become impacted.
Me: Well, I guess we're going to have to put him down then.
Vet: Would you just like me to do it?
Me: I guess?
Rufus' Anal glands: sleeeerrrrrt
Me: Holy hell, that smells
Vet: You think that's gross, this one time a colleague of mine did this in front of a new client, wasn't paying attention, squirting it in his mouth and threw up on the new client.
Me: .................
Vet: Yea, the client didn't come back

So where am I going with this story? Not eating on day four got a lot easier after this conversation. Thanks doc. Whenever I think, "Man I'm hungry," I just recall my little morning encounter.

So today I'm down almost 10 lbs since I started and I'll never be able to look at my dog the same way.

Lindora Diet from a man's view day 3

I'M PREGNANT! Or.. Agnostic...Or something... I've just been told this morning I have to p*ss on a stick. If it turns purple I'm in "starvation mode" or something like that, which is supposed to be good? I couldn't do it under the pressure. So, I HAVE to do it tomorrow apparently.

I'm on day 2 of my protein only diet.. Get this.. Its Lent.. I'm not supposed to eat meat today.. But.. According to the Diet, I can only eat protein.. Which is mostly meat. EXCEPT STEAK APPARENTLY! But we won't get into that right now.

Anywho.. I can't eat anything but small mouse sized chunks of protein. But I can't eat meat. DON'T WORRY.. I know you were worried..don't lie. My wife bought a bunch of nasty tasting protein/non meat things. She made us hot chocolate protein shake concoction last night. I poured it down the drain as fast as I smelled it. Shhhhhh... don't tell. Then there are these weird looking uber chewy protein bars.. I'm 99% sure its just soggy newspaper. So.. Instead of actual food I will get to eat these things. All day.. I will say though, I scrambled one plain egg for breakfast. I'm not sure if I was supposed to, but I put a little garlic and pepper on it. Just like a pinch. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN JUST A PLAIN EGG? It sucks! DON'T YOU JUDGE ME!!!!!!!

But I digress. I did not have a headache last night, but I do have one this morning. I'm pretty sure I can taste my stomach. I don't even know what that means, but I don't think its good. I went on an hour long walk with my pitbull Spartacus. While we were out we stopped too muggings and a robbery at a convenience store. When asked by the police how I found the strength to do all this just mere minutes apart, I said, "I was just trying to get shot so I didn't have to eat another turkey burger." We then all laughed, gave appropriate high-fives and I went on my way.

Ok.. Maybe that didn't happen. Maybe I was walking my 19 lb Corgi named Sugar. Its hard to tell. Its all kind of fuzzy.  I do remember thinking during our walk, "What G.I. Joe name I would give to a German Shepherd if I had one?" Then I remember someone telling me about a large male dog at the dog park that was humping everything with its wang out. Then I decided if I was going to have a big dog it should be a girl (less wang that way). But then I realized that all the G.I. Joe girls were stupid and this wouldn't work at all. It was a good thing I worked through all that before getting a German Shepherd. What a mess that would have been..

What was I talking about?

AH.. It seems my lack of real food makes my brain unfocused and.... OHHHHH Look.. I found a quarter!!!!! Anyway, about G.I. Joes.. I used to play with them...Dammit. I did it again.

So, My starting weight was 260 lbs.
I have lost 7 lbs in the last 5 days.  I guess that's good. I know nothing about health, wellness or nutrition, so I'm going to say its badass and I should get a Big Mac as a reward... Oops.. Just got a call from my wife. Apparently as a reward, I'm getting another soggy newspaper bar of poo. YAY!!!!!!
23 days to go.. If I don't make it, bury me with a 24 pack of Cherry Coke (if they still make 24 packs) and a foot long meatball sub from Goodcents. With spicy jack cheese, oregano  and parmesan. Ohh. And some twizzlers Pull-and-Peel.

Lindora Diet from a man's view day 2

IT'S ALL A LIE! Today is the first of 3 protein days I'm supposed to have.. Cool right?? Where is my bag-o-ribeyes? I can handle meat all day. shiiiiiii.. I did that most my college years.. Well. And pizza, cheetos and beer. BUT damn near the same exact same.. So what to my surprise, what was for breakfast??? MILK!

That's right my friends. 8 ounces of "this aint steak" milk. I also have a strict eating schedule. So, I wake up, have a bottle of milk and have a strict schedule. Somewhere in the last few days I've reverted to a newborn baby. Here is my feeding chart for the day for those keeping track:

7:30am :  8 oz glass of "not steak"

8:30am - 9:30am : 3.5 oz chicken breast  (poor flat breasted chickens)

11:30am : 3.5 oz Turkey Burger???

1:30pm : 16 oz porter house steak.. NAH, I'm effing with you.. Its a 3.5 oz CHICKEN BREAST!

3:30pm : Another 8 oz of "NOT EFFING STEAK!"

5:30pm : 3.5 oz of rhymes with "dicken"

7:30pm: Another turkey burger?? There is a big enough market for there that someone made more than one of them???????

9:30pm : Another cup of "Not steak"

10:30pm : a bullet from a 38 special.. HA JK....jk.....sigh

So I started out my "prep/cleansing/stupid amounts of water drinking" Monday. With giving up soda, no snacking, lots of exercise. Started out at a lean 260lbs. I'm 6' 4".. I hide it well. Anywho..

Progress: I've lost 4 lbs. Sounds good. But I lose 4 lbs. every time I catch a cold. My target weight loss is 30 lbs. I've been told I'm going to the gym again tonight. I went yesterday. Seems a little nutty, but why not! I kind of felt ripped off yesterday anyways being stuck between 2 ugly chicks on the machine that is like a stair stepper things with an incline. I don't know what its called but its one of the few machines where I can watch tv. If I can't watch tv, there is no working out. If I have no tv, I realize I'm a hamster on a wheel going nowhere and sink into depression. BUT.. The time I am at the gym there is always a Family Guy or two on. I can run all day if I have Stuey to walk me through it.

One last thing. I forgot to mention the border-line migraine headache I had last night from the last of caffeine. The headache I couldn't squeeze any sympathy out of anyone for. The headache that should have allowed me to go to bed instead of the gym. But its cool. I'm past it. Water under the migraine bridge of brain damage. I don't need sympathy when I HAVE MY UNLIMITED SUPPLY OF CHICKEN. BWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Hmmm. I may be losing my grip on reality. Only time will tell. If you believe that "time" isn't a government conspiracy.

Lindora Diet from a man's view day 1 PART 2

So its my first day of this diet, but several days of giving up soda. Beautiful caffeinated soda. The only really happiness in my otherwise sh*t filled day. So.. Its almost 3 o'clock and I'm fighting off the urge to reply to emails with "Dear f*cktard". I don't know if everyone is particularly deserving of a good face punch today or if its the diet absorbing every last ounce of my inner, more understanding/tolerant self. This diet is officially stupid and I hate everyone. So..so far, we are off to a fantastic start. WOOHOO.. Oh.. My wife actually informed me at lunch this is still technically a "cleansing day" and the real sh*t starts tomorrow. FANTASTIC!!!!!!!! Someone please hide the sharp objects. MORE TO COME...

Lindora Diet from a man's view day 1

So, after countless "You need to lose weight. You're blood pressure is too high. Death imminent" conversations with my voodoo of a magic-man doctor, I have decided that ok... Maybe I can stand to lose 20-30 pounds. Naturally the first thing I thought, was a penal-reduction surgery. Amiright? High-five.. Just kidding.. That would be a tragedy.

So.. after much nagging conversation with my wife, she convinced me to try the Lindora Lean for Life Diet plan. I've seen her do it and lose 60 pounds after each kid we've had. I've also seen her eat lots of spinach lettuce, broccoli and almonds. So.. Based on that information I immediately chose death by heart attack as the best route to go. She then convinced me that I wouldn't have to eat that garbage like some sort of sad turtle stuck in an aquarium praying that I choked to death on one the almonds given to me by my captor. Putting me out of my unnatural existence in a glass box. Poor effing turtle.

Anywho.. She said she can make it work for me and find foods that work for me. Then she said something about 3 days of cleansing.. which I guess I've did yesterday with a Rally's double cheesburger, spicy fries and a half hour on the toilet afterwards.

Now today.. The first day of the rest of my life. I am ordered to drink more water than any single person ever should. Matter of fact, if I die of watertosis, I want everyone to know I was forced to do it against my will. For the next 28 days, I will drink WAY too much water, have something called "Protein days" which I imaging is my wife making me steak 3 times a day.. Right? Hellz yes. I can do that one. No soda, low carbs, and tons of other trendy diet lingo.. I can do this. Only 28 days.. Bring it on.

Advertising 101 - Don't make buyers have nightmares of your products

So I was surfing around the interwebs today and came across a doll website named: http://www.charismabrands.com/. Ok, whatever.. Little ugly dolls a little on the piggish size.. ok.. Then.. This banner ad popped up.

WHAT THE HELL! Somebody save those kids! DEAR GOD! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!!!!

They might as well have gone all out, like this:

I mean, my God... This is horrifying. I will be having nightmares for the rest of the week about this doll.