Lindora Diet from a man's view day 8 Part 2

I SWEAR I'LL DO IT!

I hold in my hand two large oatmeal raisin cookies from Bread Co. Leftovers from a meeting of something unimportant I'm sure. I don't know why I picked them up. I saw them sitting there looking all delicious. I thought to myself, I shouldn't.. I should stick to the plan. Then a little devil popped up on my shoulder and said, "What would one little cookie do really?" Then a little angel appeared on my other shoulder and said, "Don't be a bitch, eat the cookie and shut your mouth, Nancy." This explains a lot about the decisions I've made in my life. So...Here I am.. Staring at them like a Ninja lion stares at his kill. Quietly stalking it, drooling over how yummy that oatmeal goodness will taste... Knowing the kill doesn't even see it coming. Dare I eat the cookie? We shall see.

Lindora Diet from a man's view day 8

This sucks. First day I haven't lost any weight. My wife says its because I refused to pee on the magic diet stick a few days back... Are you lost? Join the club. I was pretty sure it was just a stick that changed colors. Now I find out that all I had to do was pee on a stick and I wouldn't of had to do all this dieting and exercise. THAT INFORMATION WOULD HAVE BEEN USEFUL 8 DAYS AGO! Now all I need to find is a magic stick that gives me money when I pee on it and I'll be set.

So, so far lots of "That diet is stupid and you're doing it wrong." Reassurance from friends. Definitely not feeling like not eating something delicious today. To cheer myself up I've been watching Lonely Island Music videos all morning.

On a related note. I'm tired of all the ugly people at the gym. Where are all the attractive people from the commercials? Also, I would be more than happy to donate sticks of deodorant. Just because its a gym doesn't mean you can smell like bigfoot's ass. I also wanted to take a video of this larger girl on the elliptical machine. She was swaying left to right like she was dodging bullets. While the fatty movements were mesmerizing, I took a break to look to my right to see the entire line of people beside me also being hypnotized by this funky dance of fatty epicness. All with "what the hell am I watching" expressions on their faces with occasional "Yes I see it too" glances amongst ourselves.

So total weightloss:
stuck at 12 lbs.
I'm pretty sure that means I get to go to Rally's for lunch. Amiright??? Season fries??? YES PLEASE!

20 days to go.

Lindora Diet from a man's view day 7 Part 2

I did it. I went out and didn't eat something delicious.....Went to Bread Co. and had a grilled chicken salad, which I only ended up eating the chicken off of because the dressing was gross and had an apple. Somewhat unsatisfying. Went to the gym after work. Had no interest in doing anything but laying on the couch after that all night watching Full Metal Jousting and Pawn Stars.

Lindora Diet from a man's view day 7

"Hiccups"

WTF??? It started late last night. The hiccups from hell. lasting about 15 minute of pure flare up. Apparently the fatty foods I used to eat saved me from experiencing hiccups of this magnitude. I'm on hiccup flare up number 2 today. On a good note I've lost 12 lbs. Its hard to tell that though when you have 3 gallons of water in your stomach. Gonna try to eat out today. Bread Co. We will see how that goes. To be continued...

Lindora Diet from a man's view day 6

Day 6 sucked. I was sketching all day in a meeting from 8-6. For breakfast they served bacon, eggs, ham, sausage, biscuits and all kinds of other stuff. Yum... couldn't have it. For snacks, oversized chocolate chip cookies, oatmeal cookies and brownies were served all day with unlimited amounts of soda. Yum.. Couldn't have it. For lunch... Salad... Ate a small bit of it. Then a chicken (That looks familiar) and some delicious looking cheesey rice sh*t. It was orange, which means it probably tasted like heaven mixed with hot-damn with Parmesan cocaine sprinkled on top. Couldn't eat that. I ate the chicken, which I'm sure I wasn't supposed to eat for some reason or another. It was ok, not delicious, so maybe its not that bad for me. I got through the entire day without succumbing to the temptations of the delicious FREE smorgasbord. Then I got home around 6:30, ate my portion of steak and went to the gym. I survived the whole day with only one person mentioning that I might have "Anger issues." That's a win in my book.
I'm down 10 lbs.

By the way. Why is it when you are on a diet, everyone has to tell you about the diet THEY are on? At the meeting a seemingly nice/boring guy from Cincinnati insisted on telling me about his "Cave Man Diet" and how much better it is than whatever I'm doing. All I could think of was "He's from Cincinatti.. what a dousche."

Lindora Diet from a man's view day 5

"Venison"

Day 5.. All the egg eating and chicken tolerating is supposed to be over with today. What do I get as a yummy breakfast from my wife you ask?????? An egg.. and an orange. "How is it?" She asked. "Its tastes as bad as it has the last few days, minus the orange. That was good." "Do you want another one?" She excitedly asks.. "YOU KNOW I DO!" I exclaim with great excitement. "OK! You can have another one for lunch.".......wtf?

So.. I'm excited to try new stuff.. I'm done with chicken at this point. We had been traveling and were on the way home. What should we stop and get, I ask. "I brought chicken for you." My wife tells me. "F*CK YES! CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THAT SH*T!" I shout out in my head while I contemplate the odds of me surviving jumping out of a moving vehicle on the highway. I eat the chicken.. wtf #2

We pass a freshly roadkilled deer on the side of the road. All I could think was, "I bet that would taste good." I chuckle to myself. apparently not as quietly as I thought because my wife wanted to know what was so funny. I told her its the first time in my life I ever saw a deer dead on the side of the road and started daydreaming about grilling it. wtf #3

We get home and its time.. She bought it. Its here now..... I almost cry when I see it. I'm not a very emotional man, but I'm not afraid to admit it when something matters this much to me. STEAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She got steak. My little hints like "THIS ISN'T STEAK," "WHY DONT WE HAVE STEAL??!" and "THIS WOULD BE BETTER IF IT WAS STEAK." have finally paid off. I've been studying online how to cook it in a way she will "allow." I've cooked this steak in my head 50 times already. THAT B*TCH IS MINE!

Its a flank steak, but I don't care at this point. I'll be lucky if I finish cooking it before I tear into it. Its like a fresh kill that I have to eat before the other hyenas smell it and I have to fend them off.  I pan grilled it with fresh garlic, pepper, a little salt, and some sodium/taste free thing my wife said I could use. There...It was cooked. It didn't even matter that it was portioned into a 3.5 oz pre-cooked weighted portion. It was steak. It wasn't chicken. It wasn't a f*cking egg. It wasn't one of those stupid nasty protein bars or glasses of milk. It was steak. And it was mine. AND IT WAS DELICIOUS! There was also a slice of watermelon and a half of cucumber to fill me up. None of that mattered though. For there was steak.

Not a bad day. Didn't have a scale, but I don't care. It was steak day.
God bless steak!

Lindora Diet from a man's view day 4

I'd like to title this entry "Anal Expressions"

Ok, I was traveling, so this is a little late. Day 4... My last protein day. (in theory). I wake up, have an egg and take my 3 dogs to the vet. While there I was instructed about my little dog Rufus. Apparently his anal glands were in need of expressions... Here's how that went down:
Vet: Oh, my, he's full. Do you express his anal glands at home?
Me: Sorry, what?
Vet: Do you express his anal glands frequently..
Me: uhhhh.. not that I know of.
Vet: He'll need it done before they become impacted.
Me: Well, I guess we're going to have to put him down then.
Vet: Would you just like me to do it?
Me: I guess?
Rufus' Anal glands: sleeeerrrrrt
Me: Holy hell, that smells
Vet: You think that's gross, this one time a colleague of mine did this in front of a new client, wasn't paying attention, squirting it in his mouth and threw up on the new client.
Me: .................
Vet: Yea, the client didn't come back

So where am I going with this story? Not eating on day four got a lot easier after this conversation. Thanks doc. Whenever I think, "Man I'm hungry," I just recall my little morning encounter.

So today I'm down almost 10 lbs since I started and I'll never be able to look at my dog the same way.