Ok.. I've actually been busy working. WHO KNEW!??? So.. Haven't really done much else exciting. Been sticking with the diet for the most part. Instead of grilled chicken yesterday, I had 3 chicken strips. BWAH-HAHAHAHA. THEY WERE AMAZING! Real food tastes amazing when all you eat is grilled chicken, vegetables and protein bars. Don't tell my wife though.
I'm still holding at 24 lbs. Still have 6 to go.
I'm starting metabolic adjustments today.. Apparently that means I eat more food. WOOT! Had two scrambles eggs and some toast with jelly for breakfast. I've been told to put a little more ranch and chicken on my salad at lunch. For the next several days I up my food intake gradually and see if I can maintain my current weight. After 8 days, I try for those 6 more lbs. I can almost see that Dorito Locos taco in the near future.
I played sand volleyball yesterday and couldn't imagine how bad I would have sucked if I had been playing with 24 extra pounds. I already ran into the net LIKE A BOSS once. I probably would have taken the whole thing out if I had a little more weight. I spiked the sh*t out of the ball though.. Although I was told that it doesn't count when you hit the net. BULLSH*T! They be jealous of my monster abilities. I was also told by a girl on my team that she was surprised I could dip down so low (on a different badass hit I made). I made her aware that I could "dip it, whip it, smack it & whack it." All while making the appropriate spanking motion with my hands. She asked me to kindly never to that again.. She's not the boss of me. It will most DEFINITELY happen again.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
Lindora Diet from a man's view day 25-26
Only a couple days left to go. I'll be done with this hard-core portion of the diet. Then I've been told I need to do a "metabolic adjustment".... Not sure sure what that means. I think It means I just try to figure out what I can eat and still maintain my weight loss. Although, I still need to drop 8 lbs.
This weekend my wife wanted to take the kids for a walk around the lake. I'd come to find out by "walk," she meant "speed walk/try to outwalk me/extreme stroller marathon of death." After fully pissing her off after telling her "I'm not jogging or running... Running is for suckas." She still tried to make me do quick bursts of light jogging. I let her jog ahead of me and then wait for me to catch up. I don't jog.. I don't believe in it. being 6' 4" I tired my knees out a LONG time ago and am firmly trying to save them for my old age. "NOT DOING IT!" I said firmly.. So, she tried to trick me into running by walking at a stupid fast pace. I now have a huge blister from walking like a 65 year old woman's speed walker group at the mall. and weird pains in weird places. Then we followed it up by chasing two kids around a swimming pool the rest of the afternoon.
Haven't lost any more weight. Still holding at 22 lbs.
This weekend my wife wanted to take the kids for a walk around the lake. I'd come to find out by "walk," she meant "speed walk/try to outwalk me/extreme stroller marathon of death." After fully pissing her off after telling her "I'm not jogging or running... Running is for suckas." She still tried to make me do quick bursts of light jogging. I let her jog ahead of me and then wait for me to catch up. I don't jog.. I don't believe in it. being 6' 4" I tired my knees out a LONG time ago and am firmly trying to save them for my old age. "NOT DOING IT!" I said firmly.. So, she tried to trick me into running by walking at a stupid fast pace. I now have a huge blister from walking like a 65 year old woman's speed walker group at the mall. and weird pains in weird places. Then we followed it up by chasing two kids around a swimming pool the rest of the afternoon.
Haven't lost any more weight. Still holding at 22 lbs.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Lindora Diet from a man's view day 24
Day 24. I'm getting more used to eating good food and drinking water instead of soda.
My pants have gotten noticeably baggie. When I sit down I get this huge bulge in my crotch... More so than normal.
But seriously... I do need new pants. My wife tells me we are throwing away all the fat-guy clothes so I don't feel like its ok to earn back the weight since I already have the clothes for it. I disagree with this technique. First of all, I'm offended at the fact that she refers to them as "fat-clothes." I was never fat.. Just skinnilly challenged. Secondly. I would like the option to still have clothing if I do indeed gain some weight back. So There!
total weight loss: 21 lbs. fo shizzle
9 more lbs to go.
My pants have gotten noticeably baggie. When I sit down I get this huge bulge in my crotch... More so than normal.
total weight loss: 21 lbs. fo shizzle
9 more lbs to go.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Lindora Diet from a man's view day 23
"F*cktards"
This diet has been going well. I find my only problems have been with the people around me. I've noticed without a delicious soda to silence the voices in my head its insanely harder to tolerate the morons. It doesn't help that there are so many of them.
Not that I don't love holding people's hands and explaining how to do their jobs, because the concept of having to do sh*t never passed their minds when they applied to work here. But its just so much harder to endure when I can't indulge in something I don't absolutely hate.
I have to give myself credit though. So far today, I've only called one person a complete idiot to their face. Not bad. I'll allow it. I also withstood the urge to start answering my phone with "ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME? WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW!?" That alone would have been worth a soda back in the day.
Oh yea.. The diet.. No weight loss today. Off the 3 days of protein. Ate a salad for lunch. YEE-HAW!
Still down 20 lbs. and looking fantastic.
This diet has been going well. I find my only problems have been with the people around me. I've noticed without a delicious soda to silence the voices in my head its insanely harder to tolerate the morons. It doesn't help that there are so many of them.
Not that I don't love holding people's hands and explaining how to do their jobs, because the concept of having to do sh*t never passed their minds when they applied to work here. But its just so much harder to endure when I can't indulge in something I don't absolutely hate.
I have to give myself credit though. So far today, I've only called one person a complete idiot to their face. Not bad. I'll allow it. I also withstood the urge to start answering my phone with "ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME? WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW!?" That alone would have been worth a soda back in the day.
Oh yea.. The diet.. No weight loss today. Off the 3 days of protein. Ate a salad for lunch. YEE-HAW!
Still down 20 lbs. and looking fantastic.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Lindora Diet from a man's view day 22
I have officially lost 20lbs. After restarting the 3 day protein only portion of my diet after going a little overboard last weekend, I'm down 20lbs. Today is the last of my 3 protein days. Then back to normal diet eating.. And all I can think of is this:
The Doritos Locos Taco
Its 9:30am and I've already pasted on breakfast sandwiches and beer. It might be a long day. Hold in there Doritos Locos. We will be together.....Some day.
Down 20 lbs.
The Doritos Locos Taco
Its 9:30am and I've already pasted on breakfast sandwiches and beer. It might be a long day. Hold in there Doritos Locos. We will be together.....Some day.
Down 20 lbs.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Lindora Diet from a man's view day 16-21
"CANNON BALL!"
I've been a slacker. I went out of town and didn't feel like typing blog posts on my phone. I suppose I should also say that I fell off the diet wagon in my time away. And by "fell off," I mean I jumped of the wagon high-dive board into a ginormous vat of queso, beer, Subway (although somewhat healthy), chicken nuggets, Milk shakes and Red Robin's A1 bacon cheeseburger and fries. Although... Guess what? I only gained 3 pounds from all that. Suck it diet! I've already lost 2 of the lbs as well, so we are back in business.
It all started when I was driving up to see my good friend in Tulsa. I was doing good with my protein bars until I needed to stop to stretch my legs. Well, sh*t... I'm stopped... I might as well eat something. BUT NO!! I didn't.. I forced myself back into the car and tore open a bag of, what we will call "corn sh*ts" Supposed to be like corn chips, but tasted like sh*t.. You picking up what I'm laying down? I made 4 valiant attempts to eat the corn sh*ts. Then.. My inner me fought back.. It said "F*CK THAT! DUMASS!.. JUST GET SOME REAL FOOD!" Then my inner me yanked the wheel and pulled into the McExit. A McDonald's bridge on top of the highway. Its literally a McExit. So, I got a 10 piece chicken nugget. No sauce, fries or soda. I'm proud I resisted that much. Then off I went.
Then....I got to my buddy's house. My wife called ahead to tell them I can't eat anything... She actually got them to grill me a turkey burger. But being the good friend that he is, he at least covered it in cheese without my knowledge. I couldn't say no.. That would be rude.
Day 2.. The real adventures in "fat kid" began. I started off good enough eating what I brought.. I did have one healthy subway sandwich. Cold cut on wheat with mustard. But then the "What should we do for dinner?" question popped up. "Whatever you guys want, I'll just get something healthy there." So, MEXICAN it was.. touche. There is nothing healthy at a Mexican Place. Inventor of the 3000 calorie taco salads. Unconsciously I ordered a beer. Not realizing the downward spiral I was headed for. I totally forgot that after beer touches my lips I forget about things like "diets" and what your "inside voice" is. I went at the queso, salsa and chips like a crazed spider monkey in heat. After a bowl of salsa or two.... The waitress came around to take our order. "What would you like?" "I WANT CHICKEN FLAUTAS WITH QUESO! I don't know what those are, but they sound good!!!.. Oh.. I also need more beer." Follow that up with more queso to go with my queso with some additional beer.. I do think there was grilled chicken somewhere in the pool of queso. So, I'm going to give myself 10 points for that. Then off we went to gamble at the casino and of course drink more beer...maybe some vodka.. I was up a hundred bucks or so and decided betting it all on black was a good idea....It wasn't. TO THE ATM! Then off we went to Buffalo Wild Wings to have a beer or two and watch some basketball. Then... I think we ended up at one other place that required another ATM visit. Its too hazy to remember the details, but I know it was fun.
So.. The next day I crawl out of bed, pack up and head back on the road stopping for Subway one more time.
I get home and have to do the walk of shame and lay out everything I've eaten to my wife and I look at the ground. Unknown to me, she was already quite aware of my "night out" My buddy and his wife were shooting pics and video of me throughout the night and sending it to her...Thanks a-holes.
More good news though. My wife decided that I completely blew my diet and it was no use unless I wanted to start over again completely on Monday. I agreed. She then made me go buy us Milk shakes and go out to Red Robin to celebrate my weekend off from the Diet.
Best Weekend Ever
Diet
Lost 17 lbs.
Gained 3 lbs. back
Today: Lost 2 lbs.
TOTALLY WORTH IT!
I've been a slacker. I went out of town and didn't feel like typing blog posts on my phone. I suppose I should also say that I fell off the diet wagon in my time away. And by "fell off," I mean I jumped of the wagon high-dive board into a ginormous vat of queso, beer, Subway (although somewhat healthy), chicken nuggets, Milk shakes and Red Robin's A1 bacon cheeseburger and fries. Although... Guess what? I only gained 3 pounds from all that. Suck it diet! I've already lost 2 of the lbs as well, so we are back in business.
It all started when I was driving up to see my good friend in Tulsa. I was doing good with my protein bars until I needed to stop to stretch my legs. Well, sh*t... I'm stopped... I might as well eat something. BUT NO!! I didn't.. I forced myself back into the car and tore open a bag of, what we will call "corn sh*ts" Supposed to be like corn chips, but tasted like sh*t.. You picking up what I'm laying down? I made 4 valiant attempts to eat the corn sh*ts. Then.. My inner me fought back.. It said "F*CK THAT! DUMASS!.. JUST GET SOME REAL FOOD!" Then my inner me yanked the wheel and pulled into the McExit. A McDonald's bridge on top of the highway. Its literally a McExit. So, I got a 10 piece chicken nugget. No sauce, fries or soda. I'm proud I resisted that much. Then off I went.
Then....I got to my buddy's house. My wife called ahead to tell them I can't eat anything... She actually got them to grill me a turkey burger. But being the good friend that he is, he at least covered it in cheese without my knowledge. I couldn't say no.. That would be rude.
Day 2.. The real adventures in "fat kid" began. I started off good enough eating what I brought.. I did have one healthy subway sandwich. Cold cut on wheat with mustard. But then the "What should we do for dinner?" question popped up. "Whatever you guys want, I'll just get something healthy there." So, MEXICAN it was.. touche. There is nothing healthy at a Mexican Place. Inventor of the 3000 calorie taco salads. Unconsciously I ordered a beer. Not realizing the downward spiral I was headed for. I totally forgot that after beer touches my lips I forget about things like "diets" and what your "inside voice" is. I went at the queso, salsa and chips like a crazed spider monkey in heat. After a bowl of salsa or two.... The waitress came around to take our order. "What would you like?" "I WANT CHICKEN FLAUTAS WITH QUESO! I don't know what those are, but they sound good!!!.. Oh.. I also need more beer." Follow that up with more queso to go with my queso with some additional beer.. I do think there was grilled chicken somewhere in the pool of queso. So, I'm going to give myself 10 points for that. Then off we went to gamble at the casino and of course drink more beer...maybe some vodka.. I was up a hundred bucks or so and decided betting it all on black was a good idea....It wasn't. TO THE ATM! Then off we went to Buffalo Wild Wings to have a beer or two and watch some basketball. Then... I think we ended up at one other place that required another ATM visit. Its too hazy to remember the details, but I know it was fun.
So.. The next day I crawl out of bed, pack up and head back on the road stopping for Subway one more time.
I get home and have to do the walk of shame and lay out everything I've eaten to my wife and I look at the ground. Unknown to me, she was already quite aware of my "night out" My buddy and his wife were shooting pics and video of me throughout the night and sending it to her...Thanks a-holes.
More good news though. My wife decided that I completely blew my diet and it was no use unless I wanted to start over again completely on Monday. I agreed. She then made me go buy us Milk shakes and go out to Red Robin to celebrate my weekend off from the Diet.
Best Weekend Ever
Diet
Lost 17 lbs.
Gained 3 lbs. back
Today: Lost 2 lbs.
TOTALLY WORTH IT!
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Lindora Diet from a man's view day 15
"War of the zucchini"
I started drawing a picture of zucchinis fighting each other and though it was a little too suggestive, so I decided against it.
Last night, my wife decided to "be adventurous" as she calls it and try something new from a vegetarian website. Her first mistake was telling me it was from a vegetarian website. Her second mistake was making it out of zucchini. Even as I told her I wouldn't try it, she insisted that I would and it would be delicious. She roasted it in garlic and herbs and to give her credit, if it was anything other than zucchini, it probably would have been delicious. But it wasn't something else......It was zucchini. Nature's retarded cucumber cousin. So.. Knowing full on how terrible zucchinis were, I waited for Beth to take the first bite......."Well....it is spicy" she says. "AND???? How is the taste?" I reply. "Not good." She murmurs.
VICTORY! That's an automatic "I don't have to try it anymore" freebie! WOO-HOO.
As of today.. No weight loss. holding at 17 lbs lost. hmmm. Maybe its the flavored water I've been drinking. Tomorrow is our weekly "Protein Day," Where I am forced to eat chicken all day. Not looking forward to that.
I started drawing a picture of zucchinis fighting each other and though it was a little too suggestive, so I decided against it.
Last night, my wife decided to "be adventurous" as she calls it and try something new from a vegetarian website. Her first mistake was telling me it was from a vegetarian website. Her second mistake was making it out of zucchini. Even as I told her I wouldn't try it, she insisted that I would and it would be delicious. She roasted it in garlic and herbs and to give her credit, if it was anything other than zucchini, it probably would have been delicious. But it wasn't something else......It was zucchini. Nature's retarded cucumber cousin. So.. Knowing full on how terrible zucchinis were, I waited for Beth to take the first bite......."Well....it is spicy" she says. "AND???? How is the taste?" I reply. "Not good." She murmurs.
VICTORY! That's an automatic "I don't have to try it anymore" freebie! WOO-HOO.
As of today.. No weight loss. holding at 17 lbs lost. hmmm. Maybe its the flavored water I've been drinking. Tomorrow is our weekly "Protein Day," Where I am forced to eat chicken all day. Not looking forward to that.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Lindora Diet from a man's view day 14
I want a f*cking cheeseburger. I had a salad today and realized that the last salad I made at the salad bar must of had regular ranch dressing on it, because the low fat ranch I used today tasted like sh*t.
-No weight loss today.
-Mood quickly deteriorating. I refuse to eat chicken snacks today. I'd rather starve.
2 more weeks to go.
-No weight loss today.
-Mood quickly deteriorating. I refuse to eat chicken snacks today. I'd rather starve.
2 more weeks to go.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Lindora Diet from a man's view day 13
I forgot my snacks today. God help the people I work with.
One more pound shed.
Total weight loss: 17 lbs. I actually feel lighter.
One more pound shed.
Total weight loss: 17 lbs. I actually feel lighter.
Lindora Diet from a man's view day 12
2 more pounds lost. I guess eating that fillet was just what I needed. Not to self: MORE FILLETS! If I lost 2 lbs eating 6 oz, just think how much I could lose if I ate a 12 oz Fillet!!!!!!! I'M A GENIUS!
On a side note, I never thought a child not eating a cookie could get me so worked up. Let me run through my Sunday morning.
Daughter jumping on the bed to wake me up.
ME: hello
Little person: HI! I need breakfast.
ME: Ok.. what do you want? Cereal?
Little person:YES! WAIT!!!!! NO!!! ITS OK!!! I'LL GET IT! DON'T GO IN THE CEREAL CABINET!!!!!
ME: ..........(thinking to myself. Sh*t....what happened now) "Why not!!??"
Little person:BECAUSE.. its ok I got it. (As she runs off)
ME: Sh*t.. better go see what she did before she has time to cover it up.
Then I actually have to pry her off the cabinets as she's screaming "NO, DON'T LOOK!"
Half expecting to see a dead cat in there, I open it up and see it..... Double stuffed mother f*cking oreos. My favorite cookies in the world.
Little person:MAMMA said not to tell you we had them and we would take them out of the house.
ME: Its ok, I'm not going to eat them.
fast forward to mid day.
ME: Little, person, what are you doing with that oreo?
Little person: I'm done, I'm going to throw it away. (she ate about half a bite of it)
Then something snapped.
ME: "YOU'RE THROWING IT AWAY?????!!!!! WHY???! ITS PERFECTLY GOOD!
Little person: I'm just done.
ME: WHY DID YOU TAKE IT!? HOW CAN YOU BE DONE? Its DOUBLE STUFFED!!!!!!!
Little person: I've had enough.
Then I realized I was getting a little too emotional over a cookie. Then my son spits one out he is eating. HAS THE WORLD GONE MAD? You don't simple NOT eat double stuffed oreos.. Would you wipe your ass with a Picasso? NO! Have some respect for the deliciousness that is a double stuffed hug of ecstasy. How dare they dishonor the oreo. So needless to say, I sent away for DNA tests to make sure they were really my children. I've never had doubts before, but now.. It just seems like a necessary step.
Total weight loss:
16 lbs.
Total Weight Loss 16 lbs.
On a side note, I never thought a child not eating a cookie could get me so worked up. Let me run through my Sunday morning.
Daughter jumping on the bed to wake me up.
ME: hello
Little person: HI! I need breakfast.
ME: Ok.. what do you want? Cereal?
Little person:YES! WAIT!!!!! NO!!! ITS OK!!! I'LL GET IT! DON'T GO IN THE CEREAL CABINET!!!!!
ME: ..........(thinking to myself. Sh*t....what happened now) "Why not!!??"
Little person:BECAUSE.. its ok I got it. (As she runs off)
ME: Sh*t.. better go see what she did before she has time to cover it up.
Then I actually have to pry her off the cabinets as she's screaming "NO, DON'T LOOK!"
Half expecting to see a dead cat in there, I open it up and see it..... Double stuffed mother f*cking oreos. My favorite cookies in the world.
Little person:MAMMA said not to tell you we had them and we would take them out of the house.
ME: Its ok, I'm not going to eat them.
fast forward to mid day.
ME: Little, person, what are you doing with that oreo?
Little person: I'm done, I'm going to throw it away. (she ate about half a bite of it)
Then something snapped.
ME: "YOU'RE THROWING IT AWAY?????!!!!! WHY???! ITS PERFECTLY GOOD!
Little person: I'm just done.
ME: WHY DID YOU TAKE IT!? HOW CAN YOU BE DONE? Its DOUBLE STUFFED!!!!!!!
Little person: I've had enough.
Then I realized I was getting a little too emotional over a cookie. Then my son spits one out he is eating. HAS THE WORLD GONE MAD? You don't simple NOT eat double stuffed oreos.. Would you wipe your ass with a Picasso? NO! Have some respect for the deliciousness that is a double stuffed hug of ecstasy. How dare they dishonor the oreo. So needless to say, I sent away for DNA tests to make sure they were really my children. I've never had doubts before, but now.. It just seems like a necessary step.
Total weight loss:
16 lbs.
Total Weight Loss 16 lbs.
Lindora Diet from a man's view day 11
"Texas Roadhouse"
No weight change today. Ate at Texas Roadhouse with friends and family. I never knew how much I loved those deliciously cinnamonny sugar buttered rolls of bread until I couldn't eat them. I ate a 6 oz fillet and a side salad. I'm 6' 4" tall 246 lbs. I felt like like a 3' tall girl that night. I'm pretty sure the waitress was laughing at me behind the kitchen doors. "HEY GUYS! You should see the big guy eating like a little girl." That's what she was saying about me, I could tell.
My fillet was delicious. I want more.
No weight change today. Ate at Texas Roadhouse with friends and family. I never knew how much I loved those deliciously cinnamonny sugar buttered rolls of bread until I couldn't eat them. I ate a 6 oz fillet and a side salad. I'm 6' 4" tall 246 lbs. I felt like like a 3' tall girl that night. I'm pretty sure the waitress was laughing at me behind the kitchen doors. "HEY GUYS! You should see the big guy eating like a little girl." That's what she was saying about me, I could tell.
My fillet was delicious. I want more.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Lindora Diet from a man's view day 10
"Please, no fussiness today."
Bitch.. I will cut you. If you want to start the day off with me in a bad mood. by all means, email me with something cute like that.. Ok.. The "fussy" gloves are off. Now the "reality" gloves are on. Lets start pointing out everything you do wrong today. That sounds way more fun than being fussy.
So, that's how my work day started. No weight loss today. Did an hour workout last night on the tv machine. I have no idea what its really called, but its one of the only machines that has a tv attached, so its my machine of choice.
Still mostly ugly people at the gym. I've also learned I have the psychic ability to pick the one locker in the entire locker room that will have a naked old man sitting/standing in front of it when I'm done working out. If I can somehow harness this new ability and turn it into something good instead of something so disgusting I could be rich. WHY IS THERE ALWAYS A NAKED OLD GUY IN FRONT OF MY LOCKER??? Oh.. and they aren't quick either?? Why be quick about getting dressed when you can sit there naked looking at your shoe? OH LOOK!!!! A F*CKING SHOE! Let me stare at it while I'm good and naked at the gym. Why have I never noticed this shoe before. I should take my bloody time with it, because where else can I sit in almost-public naked without getting arrested?
Hmmm. Maybe I am fussy.
Total weight loss: holding at 14lbs.
Bitch.. I will cut you. If you want to start the day off with me in a bad mood. by all means, email me with something cute like that.. Ok.. The "fussy" gloves are off. Now the "reality" gloves are on. Lets start pointing out everything you do wrong today. That sounds way more fun than being fussy.
So, that's how my work day started. No weight loss today. Did an hour workout last night on the tv machine. I have no idea what its really called, but its one of the only machines that has a tv attached, so its my machine of choice.
Still mostly ugly people at the gym. I've also learned I have the psychic ability to pick the one locker in the entire locker room that will have a naked old man sitting/standing in front of it when I'm done working out. If I can somehow harness this new ability and turn it into something good instead of something so disgusting I could be rich. WHY IS THERE ALWAYS A NAKED OLD GUY IN FRONT OF MY LOCKER??? Oh.. and they aren't quick either?? Why be quick about getting dressed when you can sit there naked looking at your shoe? OH LOOK!!!! A F*CKING SHOE! Let me stare at it while I'm good and naked at the gym. Why have I never noticed this shoe before. I should take my bloody time with it, because where else can I sit in almost-public naked without getting arrested?
Hmmm. Maybe I am fussy.
Total weight loss: holding at 14lbs.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Lindora Diet from a man's view day 9
Well I ate that cookie yesterday. I don't regret it. It was good. I might do it again. I dunno. Lost another couple pounds. I am down from 260 lbs to 246 lbs. 14 lbs total for those of you who suck at math.
Somehow or another we are on a "protein day" today. Yea.. I thought we were done with that sh*t too. Apparently you still have to do one every week. I never thought I would ever have an issue with grilled chicken. bleh.
People keep telling me that I need to go on the "Cave man diet." I've looked into it and it seems similar to what I'm doing. "Its not a "diet" its a lifestyle change" blah blah-f*ckity blah. Its all the same. Anyone can lose weight. I'm sure it will be keeping it off that the problem.
A friend asked my family to have dinner with his family this weekend at Texas Roadhouse. My normal answer would be "F*#K YES!!!!" But alas.. I had to say "Here, hold my balls, I have to ask my wife if I'm allowed to eat that." We are still "discussing it." HA! That's what she thinks! I'd like to see the person who tries to hold ME back from Texas Roadhouse! GOOD LUCK HONEY! I'll bring you back a tomato, SUCKA! Tires squealing as I peel out of the driveway in the camino. Yea.. That's what'l happen. Just. Like. That.
Somehow or another we are on a "protein day" today. Yea.. I thought we were done with that sh*t too. Apparently you still have to do one every week. I never thought I would ever have an issue with grilled chicken. bleh.
People keep telling me that I need to go on the "Cave man diet." I've looked into it and it seems similar to what I'm doing. "Its not a "diet" its a lifestyle change" blah blah-f*ckity blah. Its all the same. Anyone can lose weight. I'm sure it will be keeping it off that the problem.
A friend asked my family to have dinner with his family this weekend at Texas Roadhouse. My normal answer would be "F*#K YES!!!!" But alas.. I had to say "Here, hold my balls, I have to ask my wife if I'm allowed to eat that." We are still "discussing it." HA! That's what she thinks! I'd like to see the person who tries to hold ME back from Texas Roadhouse! GOOD LUCK HONEY! I'll bring you back a tomato, SUCKA! Tires squealing as I peel out of the driveway in the camino. Yea.. That's what'l happen. Just. Like. That.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Lindora Diet from a man's view day 8 Part 2
I SWEAR I'LL DO IT!
I hold in my hand two large oatmeal raisin cookies from Bread Co. Leftovers from a meeting of something unimportant I'm sure. I don't know why I picked them up. I saw them sitting there looking all delicious. I thought to myself, I shouldn't.. I should stick to the plan. Then a little devil popped up on my shoulder and said, "What would one little cookie do really?" Then a little angel appeared on my other shoulder and said, "Don't be a bitch, eat the cookie and shut your mouth, Nancy." This explains a lot about the decisions I've made in my life. So...Here I am.. Staring at them like a Ninja lion stares at his kill. Quietly stalking it, drooling over how yummy that oatmeal goodness will taste... Knowing the kill doesn't even see it coming. Dare I eat the cookie? We shall see.
I hold in my hand two large oatmeal raisin cookies from Bread Co. Leftovers from a meeting of something unimportant I'm sure. I don't know why I picked them up. I saw them sitting there looking all delicious. I thought to myself, I shouldn't.. I should stick to the plan. Then a little devil popped up on my shoulder and said, "What would one little cookie do really?" Then a little angel appeared on my other shoulder and said, "Don't be a bitch, eat the cookie and shut your mouth, Nancy." This explains a lot about the decisions I've made in my life. So...Here I am.. Staring at them like a Ninja lion stares at his kill. Quietly stalking it, drooling over how yummy that oatmeal goodness will taste... Knowing the kill doesn't even see it coming. Dare I eat the cookie? We shall see.
Lindora Diet from a man's view day 8
This sucks. First day I haven't lost any weight. My wife says its because I refused to pee on the magic diet stick a few days back... Are you lost? Join the club. I was pretty sure it was just a stick that changed colors. Now I find out that all I had to do was pee on a stick and I wouldn't of had to do all this dieting and exercise. THAT INFORMATION WOULD HAVE BEEN USEFUL 8 DAYS AGO! Now all I need to find is a magic stick that gives me money when I pee on it and I'll be set.
So, so far lots of "That diet is stupid and you're doing it wrong." Reassurance from friends. Definitely not feeling like not eating something delicious today. To cheer myself up I've been watching Lonely Island Music videos all morning.
On a related note. I'm tired of all the ugly people at the gym. Where are all the attractive people from the commercials? Also, I would be more than happy to donate sticks of deodorant. Just because its a gym doesn't mean you can smell like bigfoot's ass. I also wanted to take a video of this larger girl on the elliptical machine. She was swaying left to right like she was dodging bullets. While the fatty movements were mesmerizing, I took a break to look to my right to see the entire line of people beside me also being hypnotized by this funky dance of fatty epicness. All with "what the hell am I watching" expressions on their faces with occasional "Yes I see it too" glances amongst ourselves.
So total weightloss:
stuck at 12 lbs.
I'm pretty sure that means I get to go to Rally's for lunch. Amiright??? Season fries??? YES PLEASE!
20 days to go.
So, so far lots of "That diet is stupid and you're doing it wrong." Reassurance from friends. Definitely not feeling like not eating something delicious today. To cheer myself up I've been watching Lonely Island Music videos all morning.
On a related note. I'm tired of all the ugly people at the gym. Where are all the attractive people from the commercials? Also, I would be more than happy to donate sticks of deodorant. Just because its a gym doesn't mean you can smell like bigfoot's ass. I also wanted to take a video of this larger girl on the elliptical machine. She was swaying left to right like she was dodging bullets. While the fatty movements were mesmerizing, I took a break to look to my right to see the entire line of people beside me also being hypnotized by this funky dance of fatty epicness. All with "what the hell am I watching" expressions on their faces with occasional "Yes I see it too" glances amongst ourselves.
So total weightloss:
stuck at 12 lbs.
I'm pretty sure that means I get to go to Rally's for lunch. Amiright??? Season fries??? YES PLEASE!
20 days to go.
Lindora Diet from a man's view day 7 Part 2
I did it. I went out and didn't eat something delicious.....Went to Bread Co. and had a grilled chicken salad, which I only ended up eating the chicken off of because the dressing was gross and had an apple. Somewhat unsatisfying. Went to the gym after work. Had no interest in doing anything but laying on the couch after that all night watching Full Metal Jousting and Pawn Stars.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Lindora Diet from a man's view day 7
"Hiccups"
WTF??? It started late last night. The hiccups from hell. lasting about 15 minute of pure flare up. Apparently the fatty foods I used to eat saved me from experiencing hiccups of this magnitude. I'm on hiccup flare up number 2 today. On a good note I've lost 12 lbs. Its hard to tell that though when you have 3 gallons of water in your stomach. Gonna try to eat out today. Bread Co. We will see how that goes. To be continued...
WTF??? It started late last night. The hiccups from hell. lasting about 15 minute of pure flare up. Apparently the fatty foods I used to eat saved me from experiencing hiccups of this magnitude. I'm on hiccup flare up number 2 today. On a good note I've lost 12 lbs. Its hard to tell that though when you have 3 gallons of water in your stomach. Gonna try to eat out today. Bread Co. We will see how that goes. To be continued...
Lindora Diet from a man's view day 6
Day 6 sucked. I was sketching all day in a meeting from 8-6. For breakfast they served bacon, eggs, ham, sausage, biscuits and all kinds of other stuff. Yum... couldn't have it. For snacks, oversized chocolate chip cookies, oatmeal cookies and brownies were served all day with unlimited amounts of soda. Yum.. Couldn't have it. For lunch... Salad... Ate a small bit of it. Then a chicken (That looks familiar) and some delicious looking cheesey rice sh*t. It was orange, which means it probably tasted like heaven mixed with hot-damn with Parmesan cocaine sprinkled on top. Couldn't eat that. I ate the chicken, which I'm sure I wasn't supposed to eat for some reason or another. It was ok, not delicious, so maybe its not that bad for me. I got through the entire day without succumbing to the temptations of the delicious FREE smorgasbord. Then I got home around 6:30, ate my portion of steak and went to the gym. I survived the whole day with only one person mentioning that I might have "Anger issues." That's a win in my book.
I'm down 10 lbs.
By the way. Why is it when you are on a diet, everyone has to tell you about the diet THEY are on? At the meeting a seemingly nice/boring guy from Cincinnati insisted on telling me about his "Cave Man Diet" and how much better it is than whatever I'm doing. All I could think of was "He's from Cincinatti.. what a dousche."
I'm down 10 lbs.
By the way. Why is it when you are on a diet, everyone has to tell you about the diet THEY are on? At the meeting a seemingly nice/boring guy from Cincinnati insisted on telling me about his "Cave Man Diet" and how much better it is than whatever I'm doing. All I could think of was "He's from Cincinatti.. what a dousche."
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Lindora Diet from a man's view day 5
"Venison"
Day 5.. All the egg eating and chicken tolerating is supposed to be over with today. What do I get as a yummy breakfast from my wife you ask?????? An egg.. and an orange. "How is it?" She asked. "Its tastes as bad as it has the last few days, minus the orange. That was good." "Do you want another one?" She excitedly asks.. "YOU KNOW I DO!" I exclaim with great excitement. "OK! You can have another one for lunch.".......wtf?
So.. I'm excited to try new stuff.. I'm done with chicken at this point. We had been traveling and were on the way home. What should we stop and get, I ask. "I brought chicken for you." My wife tells me. "F*CK YES! CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THAT SH*T!" I shout out in my head while I contemplate the odds of me surviving jumping out of a moving vehicle on the highway. I eat the chicken.. wtf #2
We pass a freshly roadkilled deer on the side of the road. All I could think was, "I bet that would taste good." I chuckle to myself. apparently not as quietly as I thought because my wife wanted to know what was so funny. I told her its the first time in my life I ever saw a deer dead on the side of the road and started daydreaming about grilling it. wtf #3
We get home and its time.. She bought it. Its here now..... I almost cry when I see it. I'm not a very emotional man, but I'm not afraid to admit it when something matters this much to me. STEAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She got steak. My little hints like "THIS ISN'T STEAK," "WHY DONT WE HAVE STEAL??!" and "THIS WOULD BE BETTER IF IT WAS STEAK." have finally paid off. I've been studying online how to cook it in a way she will "allow." I've cooked this steak in my head 50 times already. THAT B*TCH IS MINE!
Its a flank steak, but I don't care at this point. I'll be lucky if I finish cooking it before I tear into it. Its like a fresh kill that I have to eat before the other hyenas smell it and I have to fend them off. I pan grilled it with fresh garlic, pepper, a little salt, and some sodium/taste free thing my wife said I could use. There...It was cooked. It didn't even matter that it was portioned into a 3.5 oz pre-cooked weighted portion. It was steak. It wasn't chicken. It wasn't a f*cking egg. It wasn't one of those stupid nasty protein bars or glasses of milk. It was steak. And it was mine. AND IT WAS DELICIOUS! There was also a slice of watermelon and a half of cucumber to fill me up. None of that mattered though. For there was steak.
Not a bad day. Didn't have a scale, but I don't care. It was steak day.
God bless steak!
Day 5.. All the egg eating and chicken tolerating is supposed to be over with today. What do I get as a yummy breakfast from my wife you ask?????? An egg.. and an orange. "How is it?" She asked. "Its tastes as bad as it has the last few days, minus the orange. That was good." "Do you want another one?" She excitedly asks.. "YOU KNOW I DO!" I exclaim with great excitement. "OK! You can have another one for lunch.".......wtf?
So.. I'm excited to try new stuff.. I'm done with chicken at this point. We had been traveling and were on the way home. What should we stop and get, I ask. "I brought chicken for you." My wife tells me. "F*CK YES! CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THAT SH*T!" I shout out in my head while I contemplate the odds of me surviving jumping out of a moving vehicle on the highway. I eat the chicken.. wtf #2
We pass a freshly roadkilled deer on the side of the road. All I could think was, "I bet that would taste good." I chuckle to myself. apparently not as quietly as I thought because my wife wanted to know what was so funny. I told her its the first time in my life I ever saw a deer dead on the side of the road and started daydreaming about grilling it. wtf #3
We get home and its time.. She bought it. Its here now..... I almost cry when I see it. I'm not a very emotional man, but I'm not afraid to admit it when something matters this much to me. STEAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She got steak. My little hints like "THIS ISN'T STEAK," "WHY DONT WE HAVE STEAL??!" and "THIS WOULD BE BETTER IF IT WAS STEAK." have finally paid off. I've been studying online how to cook it in a way she will "allow." I've cooked this steak in my head 50 times already. THAT B*TCH IS MINE!
Its a flank steak, but I don't care at this point. I'll be lucky if I finish cooking it before I tear into it. Its like a fresh kill that I have to eat before the other hyenas smell it and I have to fend them off. I pan grilled it with fresh garlic, pepper, a little salt, and some sodium/taste free thing my wife said I could use. There...It was cooked. It didn't even matter that it was portioned into a 3.5 oz pre-cooked weighted portion. It was steak. It wasn't chicken. It wasn't a f*cking egg. It wasn't one of those stupid nasty protein bars or glasses of milk. It was steak. And it was mine. AND IT WAS DELICIOUS! There was also a slice of watermelon and a half of cucumber to fill me up. None of that mattered though. For there was steak.
Not a bad day. Didn't have a scale, but I don't care. It was steak day.
God bless steak!
Lindora Diet from a man's view day 4
I'd like to title this entry "Anal Expressions"
Ok, I was traveling, so this is a little late. Day 4... My last protein day. (in theory). I wake up, have an egg and take my 3 dogs to the vet. While there I was instructed about my little dog Rufus. Apparently his anal glands were in need of expressions... Here's how that went down:
Vet: Oh, my, he's full. Do you express his anal glands at home?
Me: Sorry, what?
Vet: Do you express his anal glands frequently..
Me: uhhhh.. not that I know of.
Vet: He'll need it done before they become impacted.
Me: Well, I guess we're going to have to put him down then.
Vet: Would you just like me to do it?
Me: I guess?
Rufus' Anal glands: sleeeerrrrrt
Me: Holy hell, that smells
Vet: You think that's gross, this one time a colleague of mine did this in front of a new client, wasn't paying attention, squirting it in his mouth and threw up on the new client.
Me: .................
Vet: Yea, the client didn't come back
So where am I going with this story? Not eating on day four got a lot easier after this conversation. Thanks doc. Whenever I think, "Man I'm hungry," I just recall my little morning encounter.
So today I'm down almost 10 lbs since I started and I'll never be able to look at my dog the same way.
Ok, I was traveling, so this is a little late. Day 4... My last protein day. (in theory). I wake up, have an egg and take my 3 dogs to the vet. While there I was instructed about my little dog Rufus. Apparently his anal glands were in need of expressions... Here's how that went down:
Vet: Oh, my, he's full. Do you express his anal glands at home?
Me: Sorry, what?
Vet: Do you express his anal glands frequently..
Me: uhhhh.. not that I know of.
Vet: He'll need it done before they become impacted.
Me: Well, I guess we're going to have to put him down then.
Vet: Would you just like me to do it?
Me: I guess?
Rufus' Anal glands: sleeeerrrrrt
Me: Holy hell, that smells
Vet: You think that's gross, this one time a colleague of mine did this in front of a new client, wasn't paying attention, squirting it in his mouth and threw up on the new client.
Me: .................
Vet: Yea, the client didn't come back
So where am I going with this story? Not eating on day four got a lot easier after this conversation. Thanks doc. Whenever I think, "Man I'm hungry," I just recall my little morning encounter.
So today I'm down almost 10 lbs since I started and I'll never be able to look at my dog the same way.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Lindora Diet from a man's view day 3
I'M PREGNANT! Or.. Agnostic...Or something... I've just been told this morning I have to p*ss on a stick. If it turns purple I'm in "starvation mode" or something like that, which is supposed to be good? I couldn't do it under the pressure. So, I HAVE to do it tomorrow apparently.
I'm on day 2 of my protein only diet.. Get this.. Its Lent.. I'm not supposed to eat meat today.. But.. According to the Diet, I can only eat protein.. Which is mostly meat. EXCEPT STEAK APPARENTLY! But we won't get into that right now.
Anywho.. I can't eat anything but small mouse sized chunks of protein. But I can't eat meat. DON'T WORRY.. I know you were worried..don't lie. My wife bought a bunch of nasty tasting protein/non meat things. She made us hot chocolate protein shake concoction last night. I poured it down the drain as fast as I smelled it. Shhhhhh... don't tell. Then there are these weird looking uber chewy protein bars.. I'm 99% sure its just soggy newspaper. So.. Instead of actual food I will get to eat these things. All day.. I will say though, I scrambled one plain egg for breakfast. I'm not sure if I was supposed to, but I put a little garlic and pepper on it. Just like a pinch. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN JUST A PLAIN EGG? It sucks! DON'T YOU JUDGE ME!!!!!!!
But I digress. I did not have a headache last night, but I do have one this morning. I'm pretty sure I can taste my stomach. I don't even know what that means, but I don't think its good. I went on an hour long walk with my pitbull Spartacus. While we were out we stopped too muggings and a robbery at a convenience store. When asked by the police how I found the strength to do all this just mere minutes apart, I said, "I was just trying to get shot so I didn't have to eat another turkey burger." We then all laughed, gave appropriate high-fives and I went on my way.
Ok.. Maybe that didn't happen. Maybe I was walking my 19 lb Corgi named Sugar. Its hard to tell. Its all kind of fuzzy. I do remember thinking during our walk, "What G.I. Joe name I would give to a German Shepherd if I had one?" Then I remember someone telling me about a large male dog at the dog park that was humping everything with its wang out. Then I decided if I was going to have a big dog it should be a girl (less wang that way). But then I realized that all the G.I. Joe girls were stupid and this wouldn't work at all. It was a good thing I worked through all that before getting a German Shepherd. What a mess that would have been..
What was I talking about?
AH.. It seems my lack of real food makes my brain unfocused and.... OHHHHH Look.. I found a quarter!!!!! Anyway, about G.I. Joes.. I used to play with them...Dammit. I did it again.
So, My starting weight was 260 lbs.
I have lost 7 lbs in the last 5 days. I guess that's good. I know nothing about health, wellness or nutrition, so I'm going to say its badass and I should get a Big Mac as a reward... Oops.. Just got a call from my wife. Apparently as a reward, I'm getting another soggy newspaper bar of poo. YAY!!!!!!
23 days to go.. If I don't make it, bury me with a 24 pack of Cherry Coke (if they still make 24 packs) and a foot long meatball sub from Goodcents. With spicy jack cheese, oregano and parmesan. Ohh. And some twizzlers Pull-and-Peel.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Lindora Diet from a man's view day 2
IT'S ALL A LIE! Today is the first of 3 protein days I'm supposed to have.. Cool right?? Where is my bag-o-ribeyes? I can handle meat all day. shiiiiiii.. I did that most my college years.. Well. And pizza, cheetos and beer. BUT damn near the same exact same.. So what to my surprise, what was for breakfast??? MILK!
That's right my friends. 8 ounces of "this aint steak" milk. I also have a strict eating schedule. So, I wake up, have a bottle of milk and have a strict schedule. Somewhere in the last few days I've reverted to a newborn baby. Here is my feeding chart for the day for those keeping track:
7:30am : 8 oz glass of "not steak"
8:30am - 9:30am : 3.5 oz chicken breast (poor flat breasted chickens)
11:30am : 3.5 oz Turkey Burger???
1:30pm : 16 oz porter house steak.. NAH, I'm effing with you.. Its a 3.5 oz CHICKEN BREAST!
3:30pm : Another 8 oz of "NOT EFFING STEAK!"
5:30pm : 3.5 oz of rhymes with "dicken"
7:30pm: Another turkey burger?? There is a big enough market for there that someone made more than one of them???????
9:30pm : Another cup of "Not steak"
10:30pm : a bullet from a 38 special.. HA JK....jk.....sigh
So I started out my "prep/cleansing/stupid amounts of water drinking" Monday. With giving up soda, no snacking, lots of exercise. Started out at a lean 260lbs. I'm 6' 4".. I hide it well. Anywho..
Progress: I've lost 4 lbs. Sounds good. But I lose 4 lbs. every time I catch a cold. My target weight loss is 30 lbs. I've been told I'm going to the gym again tonight. I went yesterday. Seems a little nutty, but why not! I kind of felt ripped off yesterday anyways being stuck between 2 ugly chicks on the machine that is like a stair stepper things with an incline. I don't know what its called but its one of the few machines where I can watch tv. If I can't watch tv, there is no working out. If I have no tv, I realize I'm a hamster on a wheel going nowhere and sink into depression. BUT.. The time I am at the gym there is always a Family Guy or two on. I can run all day if I have Stuey to walk me through it.
One last thing. I forgot to mention the border-line migraine headache I had last night from the last of caffeine. The headache I couldn't squeeze any sympathy out of anyone for. The headache that should have allowed me to go to bed instead of the gym. But its cool. I'm past it. Water under the migraine bridge of brain damage. I don't need sympathy when I HAVE MY UNLIMITED SUPPLY OF CHICKEN. BWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Hmmm. I may be losing my grip on reality. Only time will tell. If you believe that "time" isn't a government conspiracy.
7:30am : 8 oz glass of "not steak"
8:30am - 9:30am : 3.5 oz chicken breast (poor flat breasted chickens)
11:30am : 3.5 oz Turkey Burger???
1:30pm : 16 oz porter house steak.. NAH, I'm effing with you.. Its a 3.5 oz CHICKEN BREAST!
3:30pm : Another 8 oz of "NOT EFFING STEAK!"
5:30pm : 3.5 oz of rhymes with "dicken"
7:30pm: Another turkey burger?? There is a big enough market for there that someone made more than one of them???????
9:30pm : Another cup of "Not steak"
10:30pm : a bullet from a 38 special.. HA JK....jk.....sigh
So I started out my "prep/cleansing/stupid amounts of water drinking" Monday. With giving up soda, no snacking, lots of exercise. Started out at a lean 260lbs. I'm 6' 4".. I hide it well. Anywho..
Progress: I've lost 4 lbs. Sounds good. But I lose 4 lbs. every time I catch a cold. My target weight loss is 30 lbs. I've been told I'm going to the gym again tonight. I went yesterday. Seems a little nutty, but why not! I kind of felt ripped off yesterday anyways being stuck between 2 ugly chicks on the machine that is like a stair stepper things with an incline. I don't know what its called but its one of the few machines where I can watch tv. If I can't watch tv, there is no working out. If I have no tv, I realize I'm a hamster on a wheel going nowhere and sink into depression. BUT.. The time I am at the gym there is always a Family Guy or two on. I can run all day if I have Stuey to walk me through it.
One last thing. I forgot to mention the border-line migraine headache I had last night from the last of caffeine. The headache I couldn't squeeze any sympathy out of anyone for. The headache that should have allowed me to go to bed instead of the gym. But its cool. I'm past it. Water under the migraine bridge of brain damage. I don't need sympathy when I HAVE MY UNLIMITED SUPPLY OF CHICKEN. BWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Hmmm. I may be losing my grip on reality. Only time will tell. If you believe that "time" isn't a government conspiracy.
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