They might as well have gone all out, like this:
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Advertising 101 - Don't make buyers have nightmares of your products
So I was surfing around the interwebs today and came across a doll website named: http://www.charismabrands.com/. Ok, whatever.. Little ugly dolls a little on the piggish size.. ok.. Then.. This banner ad popped up.
WHAT THE HELL! Somebody save those kids! DEAR GOD! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!!!!
They might as well have gone all out, like this:
I mean, my God... This is horrifying. I will be having nightmares for the rest of the week about this doll.
They might as well have gone all out, like this:
Monday, October 31, 2011
Review of Puss In Boots
Anywho.. We went in with no expectations and left feeling like we achieved that. The story was ok, but it was no where near as good as its Shrek counterparts. My daughter says it was REALLY long and asked if it was almost over twice. BUT, she also thinks that we need to buy it when it comes out, so I guess she liked it more than she thought. (side note: I don't care how much she begs, I'm never buying popcorn again. $8 and all she ate was a handful. For $8 she better throw up at least twice.)
Personally, I had a few chuckles and always enjoy the effort Dreamworks makes by putting in adult oriented jokes throughout the movie. I'm also oddly conflicted that I found Salma Hayek's character strangely attactive. I mean.. Its a cartoon cat.. Its that damn accent. Gets me every time.
So, if you have kids that like going to these movies, why the hell not take them. If you are just mildly interested in seeing it, definitely wait until it comes out to rent.
I'd give it 2.5 out of 5 "high-fives."
Friday, October 28, 2011
Design by committee
As we all know the best way to come up with a good idea is to have a dozen or so people give their opinions and then create a work of art that accommodates EVERYONE'S ideas and wants. WHAT COULD GO WRONG! I admit, sometimes a drawing turns out better after 50 revisions. But 99.9% of the time, I'm ashamed of what I've created and have to shower to wash off the ick. Then I have to make up a good reason why I won't include this particular piece in my portfolio.. "OH no, its cool... I don't want to confuse people. I want them to acknowledge this as 100% YOUR idea. It just seems more fair that way." What I really want to say is: "I don't want that Frankenstein of a disaster anywhere near my name or anywhere people might see it or possibly assume I had ANYTHING to do with it. BE GONE!" Then, I'll actually get angry when someone sees it and says, "I like it." NO YOU DON'T! It sucks. Shut your dirty, dirty mouth. It was good, now it is not. Don't encourage it.
Example. Not a real work, that would be wrong to post something I really did.. Right?
Hey Guy, I love your work.. Can you design a cute simple cartoon cow for our company? We love your style, so whatever you come up with would be fantastic I'm sure.
ME: Yea, ok.. What do you think of these options?
WOW! Great work. These are better than we could have imagined, we are going to look them over and get back to you. Again, fantastic work.
4 hours later: Hey, we got are looking them over and the CEO thinks we should take the head from A and the body from B and combine them some how. How soon do you think you can do this?
ME: Sure, no problem. Here it is, let me know what you think.
Again, Fantastic. Exactly what we are looking for. One small tiny thing. Can we add udders? Steve our janitor says that his little cousin thinks udders on cows are funny?
ME: Sure. I can do that.. What do you think?
WOW.. You nailed it!!!! I can't possibly find a way to make this better. ALTHOUGH. Timmy and Theresa from accounting think he needs a t-shirt with our company name on it. Can you do that really quick? Also.. Jerry from the legal department feels like the udders make him too feminine. Can we make his horns larger to show that he's a boy. I don't want to get rid of the udders because the proofreaders laughed a lot when we showed it to them.
ME: Why the F*** not.
GREAT STUFF. We are 99% done. The last TINY thing is, can we make him less happy? He just seems TOO happy. Maybe a smaller smile?
ME: No problem. I personally hate happy things anyways.
ME: There!! Run this through HR and see what they think about THIS!
Um... Hey, we actually decided to go a different direction. We will definitely think about you for future work though...So, be expecting that phone call.
ME: Yup.
THE END.
Example. Not a real work, that would be wrong to post something I really did.. Right?
Hey Guy, I love your work.. Can you design a cute simple cartoon cow for our company? We love your style, so whatever you come up with would be fantastic I'm sure.
ME: Yea, ok.. What do you think of these options?
WOW! Great work. These are better than we could have imagined, we are going to look them over and get back to you. Again, fantastic work.
4 hours later: Hey, we got are looking them over and the CEO thinks we should take the head from A and the body from B and combine them some how. How soon do you think you can do this?
ME: Sure, no problem. Here it is, let me know what you think.
ME: Why the F*** not.
ME: No problem. I personally hate happy things anyways.
Um... Hey, we actually decided to go a different direction. We will definitely think about you for future work though...So, be expecting that phone call.
ME: Yup.
THE END.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
One place not to have your toys made, in my opinion.
A Little story about a place I don't recommend doing business with when making small toys.
A little over a year or so ago I began playing with the idea of creating my own toys from some of my cartoons. So, after some research I found a place called Binkley Toys Custom Plush Toys.
I emailed and explained that I am new to the business and am wanting to get 5 prototypes made, then work on selling them, then place my order.
To which they replied, "No problem. Lets start with your first one and go from there."
Now I'm excited. 4ish weeks later I get my prototype. It looks great.. I called them up and explained it looked great and we can proceed with the next 4.
To which they replied. Sure, we will make them once you place a full order. Wait... No, I wanted 5 prototypes then will make an order. Them: No, we won't do that. Place an order for your first one, then we can talk.
Me: We discussed this.. Here is our email were we were happy and agreed on everything.
Them: No, we won't do that.
Me: I'm pretty sure that's what we discussed.
Them: No thanks.
Me: Nevermind I found normal people to work with, at 1/3 your price.
Them: ok.
Fast forward a year.
The head guy of Binkley emails me about ordering bobble heads. I've pasted the following emails:
From Me, to: Binkley Guy:
I've worked with your company in the past and was less than happy with your customer service. I found your reps fairly incompetent. I told them I needed 5 prototypes made of plush characters and would then order based on my order numbers for each one. After the first one was received, it looked great and I wanted the other 4 prototypes. I was told no, I can't have any more until I make a large order. When I resent the email about needing 5 and getting an ok, I got a reply back that it didn't matter and you don't do more than one prototype. I took my business elsewhere and will not be doing any business with your company. I've had much luck with a better company.
Reply from Binkley Guy:
Yes, I remember getting a similar email from my plush toy list. Thanks for the reminder.
I focused on inventors for a few years there, and that was a mistake. There are so many people who have 'big' ideas and no money. So the rules you experienced was based on that.
I have split my company now, to focus on Corporate accounts, and if an inventor sneaks through, then they probably have the money to do so.
I'll be blunt and say with how I'm set up now, you would still get flagged, since you email from a free yahoo account. I'm sure from where you're sitting, that may not make sense, but when I get 2,000 - 3,000 inquiries a month, I need to filter out the Corporations, from the tire kickers.
Obviously someone saw more in your communications then my staff did.
I wish you well.
Thanks.
Here is a big banner across his webpage.
"and if an inventor sneaks through, then they probably have the money to do so"
Hmm.. That seems odd.
In case you are looking into making your own plush, you don't need companies like this. You can go straight to a manufacturer yourself, usually for quite a bit less.
This is all my opinion from the experiences I've had. You have to make your own decisions and maybe this company will work differently for you. Good luck with your toy making. Don't get bullied. :)
A little over a year or so ago I began playing with the idea of creating my own toys from some of my cartoons. So, after some research I found a place called Binkley Toys Custom Plush Toys.
I emailed and explained that I am new to the business and am wanting to get 5 prototypes made, then work on selling them, then place my order.
To which they replied, "No problem. Lets start with your first one and go from there."
Now I'm excited. 4ish weeks later I get my prototype. It looks great.. I called them up and explained it looked great and we can proceed with the next 4.
To which they replied. Sure, we will make them once you place a full order. Wait... No, I wanted 5 prototypes then will make an order. Them: No, we won't do that. Place an order for your first one, then we can talk.
Me: We discussed this.. Here is our email were we were happy and agreed on everything.
Them: No, we won't do that.
Me: I'm pretty sure that's what we discussed.
Them: No thanks.
Me: Nevermind I found normal people to work with, at 1/3 your price.
Them: ok.
Fast forward a year.
The head guy of Binkley emails me about ordering bobble heads. I've pasted the following emails:
From Me, to: Binkley Guy:
I've worked with your company in the past and was less than happy with your customer service. I found your reps fairly incompetent. I told them I needed 5 prototypes made of plush characters and would then order based on my order numbers for each one. After the first one was received, it looked great and I wanted the other 4 prototypes. I was told no, I can't have any more until I make a large order. When I resent the email about needing 5 and getting an ok, I got a reply back that it didn't matter and you don't do more than one prototype. I took my business elsewhere and will not be doing any business with your company. I've had much luck with a better company.
Thanks
Reply from Binkley Guy:
Yes, I remember getting a similar email from my plush toy list. Thanks for the reminder.
I focused on inventors for a few years there, and that was a mistake. There are so many people who have 'big' ideas and no money. So the rules you experienced was based on that.
I have split my company now, to focus on Corporate accounts, and if an inventor sneaks through, then they probably have the money to do so.
I'll be blunt and say with how I'm set up now, you would still get flagged, since you email from a free yahoo account. I'm sure from where you're sitting, that may not make sense, but when I get 2,000 - 3,000 inquiries a month, I need to filter out the Corporations, from the tire kickers.
Obviously someone saw more in your communications then my staff did.
I wish you well.
Thanks.
Here is a big banner across his webpage.
"and if an inventor sneaks through, then they probably have the money to do so"
Hmm.. That seems odd.
In case you are looking into making your own plush, you don't need companies like this. You can go straight to a manufacturer yourself, usually for quite a bit less.
This is all my opinion from the experiences I've had. You have to make your own decisions and maybe this company will work differently for you. Good luck with your toy making. Don't get bullied. :)
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Zazzle.com week 3
So just an update on zazzle.com. So far I have about 6-8 different designs on there and have so far sold nothing.. I think I may need to do a little more work on my designs. So far they are just simple characters in a sea of other characters and knock-offs. I think I may need to get a little more nitty-gritty.
Dadd'ys first weekend alone with the baby
My lovely wife decided to take our older daughter on a little trip to attend a friend's graduation in another city. How bad could it be? We would go to the mall, cruise for chicks, teach junior how to be a lady's man. THAT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENED.
I decided to do a quick illustration to showcase my lovely first weekend alone with my son. It went a little something like this....
I decided to do a quick illustration to showcase my lovely first weekend alone with my son. It went a little something like this....
What i really wanted to say is: "WHAT?? Babies LOVE graduations! How am I going to have fun when you're all out of town if I have a baby??? " But I didn't..... :(
He may not have ACTUALLY been flipping me off, but I could tell he would of, if he had the necessary control over the movements of his fingers.
Alright.. time to teach junior how to scope out the ladies.
/fun
It was my wife.. The conversation went like this:
ME: HELLO?
Wife: Hey! How's it going?
ME: WE ARE COVERED IN POO!!!!!!
Wife: What?
ME: WE WERE IN THE MALL AND IT JUST STARTED HAPPENING, AND IM COVERED IN POO!!!!!!
Wife: Don't get mad at me, I didn't do anything..
ME: I'M COVERED IN POO!!!!!!!!! GOING TO STORE FOR WIPES!!!! GOOD BYE!
Wife: ugh, goodbye!
That about sums up my weekend. Covered in poo. We stayed inside the remainder of the weekend. many more poopy diapers, but they all miraculously stayed contained in the pampers.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Playstation Network's temporary release of my soul
So, I've been getting a LOT of stuff done lately, and its mainly due to the fact that the PS3 Network has been hacked and I'm forced to convert back to the stone age and entertain myself. WTF? All of a sudden dropping cable to go balls to the wall on my "super dependable" PS3 doesn't seem as smart. I dropped cable about 4 months ago and picked up Netflix streaming video for the PS3, Hulu Plus for the PS3 and a New online game to pass the time with friends online.. Oh wait.. What's that sony? You're making it so ALL OF THAT IS COMPLETELY USELESS? That's cool.. No biggie. I'll just....sh*t. What do people do after their wife and kids go to bed at 9pm if they don't have tv, video games, or movies? My wife quickly stopped me when I said, "I'm going to the bar, they close at 3am". What does she want me to do? Read a book? NOT BLOODY LIKELY. (said in my best australian accent). So.. naturally I go downstairs and draw. SUPER.. I've always said there is never enough time. WISH GRANTED.. DAMMIT! So anyways, I was super excited the PS3 was "back" tonight. Meaning, they flipped a switch and hoped some sort of fairy goshdamn magic happened.. It didn't. I still can't get on and I'm back in the basement drawing, LIKE A BOSS. Thank you PS3 for granting me all this unwanted free time to actually get some work done. And by "thank you," I mean "GIVE ME BACK MY ONLINE TIME DESTROYER YOU *#@!ing *#$hole M*#@$R *#@$ers.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Time to try zazzle.com
In my epic journey to become a self made wealthy stuck up bastard, I've decided to buy a BMW.. HA.. Just kidding.. Ef that. That would be dumb. I've decided to upload some of my witty, charismatic, lovable artwork to zazzle.com. The site where you upload your own designs and hope someone randomly decides your drawing of a lizard drinking a margarita while wearing a sombrero is JUST WHAT HE NEEDS FOR HIS FLOAT TRIP!!!!....And you earn $2.. (Or something like that. I'm still not 100% clear on how it works.)
Well, I uploaded six images the other day and so far.......(drum roll)....nothing... SH*T!!.. I think I may need to up my game. I'm going to take the other 1000 or so images I have in my own little stock art library and upload the whole shebang. (side note.. I had NO idea that is how "Shebang" was spelled.. thank you auto correct). I'm on a mission of awesome to see if I can make money putting my own crap on t-shirts sold by someone else.. I'll keep you updated on the progress.
Well, I uploaded six images the other day and so far.......(drum roll)....nothing... SH*T!!.. I think I may need to up my game. I'm going to take the other 1000 or so images I have in my own little stock art library and upload the whole shebang. (side note.. I had NO idea that is how "Shebang" was spelled.. thank you auto correct). I'm on a mission of awesome to see if I can make money putting my own crap on t-shirts sold by someone else.. I'll keep you updated on the progress.
*lizard not actually on zazzle.com..
Sorry for the let-down.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Istockphoto.com screws up again. And screws contributors in the process.
As a starving fat artist,I dabble in selling images on royalty free type sites as istockphoto.com. This year they have already decided to increase their profits by taking more of the artist' royalty percentage. Everyone b*tched and moaned, but stock pretty much said, "Suck it, B*tches, we do what we want." Throw in some disrespectful forum moderators, taking away people's once given ability to upload to Getty image while being exclusive contributors, add in what the call "the agency collection" which is going against istock's own beliefs and you got yourself some plain old fashioned douche-baggery.
That sucks right? Oh wait.. Let's add in the new cute thing istock just decided to pull. Apparently tons of purchases were made of people's files on istock recently with a stolen or fraudulent credit card. Sucks for istock right? Hell no, hahahahaha. They ripped that money out of people's account faster than you can say "wooyah, I just got a download!!" So after stealing money from our accounts, the sent a "Hey we took your money blah blah blah, tough sh*t." Aren't the insure against such things you ask? Apparently not. Shouldn't they be held accountable instead of the contributors you query. Surely you are mistaken. They are but a humble start up company with no one to answer to care about apparently.
So istock.. You are now officially lame. Pat yourself on the back, you thieving gypsies.
See this in action link
That sucks right? Oh wait.. Let's add in the new cute thing istock just decided to pull. Apparently tons of purchases were made of people's files on istock recently with a stolen or fraudulent credit card. Sucks for istock right? Hell no, hahahahaha. They ripped that money out of people's account faster than you can say "wooyah, I just got a download!!" So after stealing money from our accounts, the sent a "Hey we took your money blah blah blah, tough sh*t." Aren't the insure against such things you ask? Apparently not. Shouldn't they be held accountable instead of the contributors you query. Surely you are mistaken. They are but a humble start up company with no one to answer to care about apparently.
So istock.. You are now officially lame. Pat yourself on the back, you thieving gypsies.
See this in action link
Saturday, January 15, 2011
How to create custom birthday cards AND not do what your wife wants at the same time!
As an artist, everytime there is an event that needs any type of signage, logo, website, or whatever, I am automatically volunteered for the job. That's fine most of the time. Some times, however, I like to be as big of a pain in the ass about it as I can. This weekend, my wife went to visit her sister and took the kids with her. HELLZ YEA! DAY OFF WITH NO KIDS! YES PLEASE! But wait... "While I'm gone, will you work on your son's first birthday card? We need to get that done." DAMMIT! Fine. "It's monster themed, so remember that." OHHH.. I like monsters.. This may not be as bad as I first thought. Matter of fact, it could be fun. So I went the extra mile and did a few versions so she would have options. Here Is what I came up with.
Version 1:
Dark Monster theme. Pop culture monster theme. Seems to fit the bill.
Version 1:
Dark Monster theme. Pop culture monster theme. Seems to fit the bill.
Version 2:
Simple yet rebellious monster.
Version 3:
A real monster. Seemed logical to add this one.
I can't wait to see which one my wife pics. Spoiler alert: she won't pick any of these and I just completely wasted 3 hours of my day.. Totally worth it.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Stuffed Animals with Mental Disorders (I want the whole set)
I can think of a few toys they are missing, but maybe with time they will be added to the pack.
Random Common Thoughts of an Artist. (Well..at least this artist)
1. Terrorizing That Damn Construction Site At My Highway Exit
I often fantasize about hitting all the traffic cones that have absolutely no purpose but to stop me from getting to work on time. Seriously. I’ve never once seen any road work done at this particular site. Never anything new or constructed. Same pot holes. Same old cracks.. Its just a big game of “Which 2 out of 3 lanes should we close today to mess with all the decent people trying to actually get some work done today?” Lets keep them guessing… SO EXCITING!!!!!
2. The Death of Superman
This thought always begins with me planning out the death of superman. Complete with TPS reports and mood boards. Then walking into a random meeting and announcing: “I’m sorry I’m late. I’ve brought all of you together today because we share a common problem. SUPERMAN!” Then pass out my reports and display my boards. Then wait to see how long it takes for someone to kick me out. I actually like Superman, but there can be only one (ahem..me). So he has to go.
3. Fort Cubawesome
Turning my cubicle into a wicked fort. I would make sure you couldn’t get it or see into it unless I let you in. (which I wouldn’t). It would be the envy of the office. Inside would be a mini-bar, twizzlers pull-and-peel (because they are the only twizzlers there are) and an endless supply of oatmeal cream pies. (in my daydreams I’m an alcoholic fat kid).
4. My Lack of Usable Skills (sad face)
I often contemplate what the hell I would do for a living if suddenly all the computers in the world stopped working. (It could happen..I think). What the hell would I do if computers didn’t exist. My people skills are limited and I don’t like lifting anything over 12oz. Knowwhatimsayin? (high-five). I guess I would be a make-up designer and use my photoshop skills in real-life scenarios.
5. Talking to Uncle Sam
I like to think about what it would be like to be in the military like my brother. Then I think about calling a recruiter. Then I realize my wife would kill me. Then I ACTUALLY call a recruiter to save me from my wife’s constant beatings. THEN realize I could get shot in the military. Then hang up once the recruiter picks up the phone. Then go home and play Call of Duty Black Ops and tell people how little they know about actual warfare.
6. How Awesome I am at Call of Duty
More daydreaming about playing Call of Duty. Thinking of running around with the crossbow listening to everyone else yelling at me for being a “NOOB"while using an idiotic weapon. Then hunting them down and shooting them in the back of the head with said crossbow. HAHAHAHAHAHA You can’t mock me when you’re dead! HAHAHA. BOOM! Head Shot!
7. ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE
What would I do in case of a zombie apocalypse. I actually spend a lot of time contemplating this one. Its important to be prepared ya know. What would I make into a weapon. Who’s car would I steal? In case of a zombie take-over, there’s no way I would be caught dead in my lame Pontiac Vibe. I’m eying the Escalade in the parking lot. Stylish, yet effective and smooshing some undead corpses. Also, I would need a weapon that will make do until I get to Walmart to load up on shotguns and cheap vodka.. Wait.. Everyone’s dead.. Shotguns and middle-level shelf vodka.. Might at well upgrade. I’ve determined the paper feed bar in the large printer would make a good head bashing tool. Metal yet light-weight. It would suffice.
8. HOSTILE NINJA TAKEOVER
Because no ninja takeover would be a non-hostile takeover. What would I do in case of a Ninja Take over? See #7 and sub “Zombie” for “ninja”. You have to be mentally prepared for anything.
9. Meeting Someone That Appreciates me for Being Me (with money).
I think a lot about how cool it will be when I meet an eccentric billionaire that wants to pay me millions of dollars because I’m awesome. The conversation will go like this:
Rich Guy: Hello
Me: What up Dude?
Rich Guy: You seem awesome!
Me: I am!
Rich Guy: I will pay you for your awesomeness.
Me: I accept
Together: HIGH FIVE!
10. Being able to be Honest with Everyone
I often fantasize about a world where its acceptable to tell F-tards that they are indeed, retarded. I think the world would be a better place if you can tell people “You are being an idiot.” And not worry about losing your job. I think the problem with a lot of people is that they honestly don’t know how big of moron they are. Telling them this will surely improve my social interactions. I think I may start implementing this one. I’ll let you know how that works out.
I often fantasize about hitting all the traffic cones that have absolutely no purpose but to stop me from getting to work on time. Seriously. I’ve never once seen any road work done at this particular site. Never anything new or constructed. Same pot holes. Same old cracks.. Its just a big game of “Which 2 out of 3 lanes should we close today to mess with all the decent people trying to actually get some work done today?” Lets keep them guessing… SO EXCITING!!!!!
2. The Death of Superman
This thought always begins with me planning out the death of superman. Complete with TPS reports and mood boards. Then walking into a random meeting and announcing: “I’m sorry I’m late. I’ve brought all of you together today because we share a common problem. SUPERMAN!” Then pass out my reports and display my boards. Then wait to see how long it takes for someone to kick me out. I actually like Superman, but there can be only one (ahem..me). So he has to go.
3. Fort Cubawesome
Turning my cubicle into a wicked fort. I would make sure you couldn’t get it or see into it unless I let you in. (which I wouldn’t). It would be the envy of the office. Inside would be a mini-bar, twizzlers pull-and-peel (because they are the only twizzlers there are) and an endless supply of oatmeal cream pies. (in my daydreams I’m an alcoholic fat kid).
4. My Lack of Usable Skills (sad face)
I often contemplate what the hell I would do for a living if suddenly all the computers in the world stopped working. (It could happen..I think). What the hell would I do if computers didn’t exist. My people skills are limited and I don’t like lifting anything over 12oz. Knowwhatimsayin? (high-five). I guess I would be a make-up designer and use my photoshop skills in real-life scenarios.
5. Talking to Uncle Sam
I like to think about what it would be like to be in the military like my brother. Then I think about calling a recruiter. Then I realize my wife would kill me. Then I ACTUALLY call a recruiter to save me from my wife’s constant beatings. THEN realize I could get shot in the military. Then hang up once the recruiter picks up the phone. Then go home and play Call of Duty Black Ops and tell people how little they know about actual warfare.
6. How Awesome I am at Call of Duty
More daydreaming about playing Call of Duty. Thinking of running around with the crossbow listening to everyone else yelling at me for being a “NOOB"while using an idiotic weapon. Then hunting them down and shooting them in the back of the head with said crossbow. HAHAHAHAHAHA You can’t mock me when you’re dead! HAHAHA. BOOM! Head Shot!
7. ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE
What would I do in case of a zombie apocalypse. I actually spend a lot of time contemplating this one. Its important to be prepared ya know. What would I make into a weapon. Who’s car would I steal? In case of a zombie take-over, there’s no way I would be caught dead in my lame Pontiac Vibe. I’m eying the Escalade in the parking lot. Stylish, yet effective and smooshing some undead corpses. Also, I would need a weapon that will make do until I get to Walmart to load up on shotguns and cheap vodka.. Wait.. Everyone’s dead.. Shotguns and middle-level shelf vodka.. Might at well upgrade. I’ve determined the paper feed bar in the large printer would make a good head bashing tool. Metal yet light-weight. It would suffice.
8. HOSTILE NINJA TAKEOVER
Because no ninja takeover would be a non-hostile takeover. What would I do in case of a Ninja Take over? See #7 and sub “Zombie” for “ninja”. You have to be mentally prepared for anything.
9. Meeting Someone That Appreciates me for Being Me (with money).
I think a lot about how cool it will be when I meet an eccentric billionaire that wants to pay me millions of dollars because I’m awesome. The conversation will go like this:
Rich Guy: Hello
Me: What up Dude?
Rich Guy: You seem awesome!
Me: I am!
Rich Guy: I will pay you for your awesomeness.
Me: I accept
Together: HIGH FIVE!
10. Being able to be Honest with Everyone
I often fantasize about a world where its acceptable to tell F-tards that they are indeed, retarded. I think the world would be a better place if you can tell people “You are being an idiot.” And not worry about losing your job. I think the problem with a lot of people is that they honestly don’t know how big of moron they are. Telling them this will surely improve my social interactions. I think I may start implementing this one. I’ll let you know how that works out.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Mrs. Fields....You suck.
No, I'm not talking about the sweet old lady across the street that spends an abnormal amount of timing in her front lawn picking up the leaves as the fall from the tree. I'm talking about the Mrs. Fields that claim they can make cookies. www.mrsfields.com .
It started the day before my daughters birthday party when my wife says, "Hey you sexy stud of a beef God, (that's her nickname for me) would you draw a unicorn for me to put on our daughters birthday cake cookie? I'm going to Mrs. F-tards in an hour and need one for the cake." To which I replied, WHAT? An hour.. How do I make a great masterpiece of a unicorn in an hour? I'm going to have to do at least 3 thumbnails to even think about which direction I want to take this unicorn. Not to mention final inking and coloring. ONE HOUR?, EFF-THAT! After my wife severely beat me for that outburst, I had 10 minutes remaining after I got up the nerve to stop crying and crawl out of the fetal position. 5 minutes later I had this masterpiece.
It started the day before my daughters birthday party when my wife says, "Hey you sexy stud of a beef God, (that's her nickname for me) would you draw a unicorn for me to put on our daughters birthday cake cookie? I'm going to Mrs. F-tards in an hour and need one for the cake." To which I replied, WHAT? An hour.. How do I make a great masterpiece of a unicorn in an hour? I'm going to have to do at least 3 thumbnails to even think about which direction I want to take this unicorn. Not to mention final inking and coloring. ONE HOUR?, EFF-THAT! After my wife severely beat me for that outburst, I had 10 minutes remaining after I got up the nerve to stop crying and crawl out of the fetal position. 5 minutes later I had this masterpiece.
Sassy, yet elegant in my opinion.. Something a 4 year old could really appreciate. OR if they don't, wtf do they know, they are 4 years old. So, I proudly give this to my lovely wife to take to the cookie gods of Mrs. Fields. Can you guys put this on the cake, she asked? SURE... No problem. They said.. What they really meant was.. "uh duh duh, I got a wooden spoon, uh duh duh."
So. She dropped it off and it was my duty to pick it up that night before they closed. I go up there to pick it up. "Are you here for the uh.. unicorn cookie?" Uh... Yea.. Why do you say it like that? They bring it over like they killed my goldfish and hid it in the box. They opened it up and showed me their interpretation of my unicorn. See below.
WTF IS THAT? Does this work? She asked? The party is tomorrow morning, I guess its going to have to work, I said. What. the. hell. is that even supposed to be? Why does it have 3 ears. What the hell did they do to my beautiful creation?
So, I did what any proud artist would do when their creation has been mutilated. As soon as I got home, I tried to cut its face off. After my wife wrestled me to the ground and took the knife away, I calmed down a little.
The next day we went to the party and I was terrified of all the 4 year olds sitting around my cake saying, what is that supposed to be. Luckily it was precut for them and they never had the chance to see it.
As for Mrs. Fields. You suck.. And that's putting it nicely.
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