I often fantasize about hitting all the traffic cones that have absolutely no purpose but to stop me from getting to work on time. Seriously. I’ve never once seen any road work done at this particular site. Never anything new or constructed. Same pot holes. Same old cracks.. Its just a big game of “Which 2 out of 3 lanes should we close today to mess with all the decent people trying to actually get some work done today?” Lets keep them guessing… SO EXCITING!!!!!
2. The Death of Superman
This thought always begins with me planning out the death of superman. Complete with TPS reports and mood boards. Then walking into a random meeting and announcing: “I’m sorry I’m late. I’ve brought all of you together today because we share a common problem. SUPERMAN!” Then pass out my reports and display my boards. Then wait to see how long it takes for someone to kick me out. I actually like Superman, but there can be only one (ahem..me). So he has to go.
3. Fort Cubawesome
Turning my cubicle into a wicked fort. I would make sure you couldn’t get it or see into it unless I let you in. (which I wouldn’t). It would be the envy of the office. Inside would be a mini-bar, twizzlers pull-and-peel (because they are the only twizzlers there are) and an endless supply of oatmeal cream pies. (in my daydreams I’m an alcoholic fat kid).
4. My Lack of Usable Skills (sad face)
I often contemplate what the hell I would do for a living if suddenly all the computers in the world stopped working. (It could happen..I think). What the hell would I do if computers didn’t exist. My people skills are limited and I don’t like lifting anything over 12oz. Knowwhatimsayin? (high-five). I guess I would be a make-up designer and use my photoshop skills in real-life scenarios.
5. Talking to Uncle Sam
I like to think about what it would be like to be in the military like my brother. Then I think about calling a recruiter. Then I realize my wife would kill me. Then I ACTUALLY call a recruiter to save me from my wife’s constant beatings. THEN realize I could get shot in the military. Then hang up once the recruiter picks up the phone. Then go home and play Call of Duty Black Ops and tell people how little they know about actual warfare.
6. How Awesome I am at Call of Duty
More daydreaming about playing Call of Duty. Thinking of running around with the crossbow listening to everyone else yelling at me for being a “NOOB"while using an idiotic weapon. Then hunting them down and shooting them in the back of the head with said crossbow. HAHAHAHAHAHA You can’t mock me when you’re dead! HAHAHA. BOOM! Head Shot!
7. ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE
What would I do in case of a zombie apocalypse. I actually spend a lot of time contemplating this one. Its important to be prepared ya know. What would I make into a weapon. Who’s car would I steal? In case of a zombie take-over, there’s no way I would be caught dead in my lame Pontiac Vibe. I’m eying the Escalade in the parking lot. Stylish, yet effective and smooshing some undead corpses. Also, I would need a weapon that will make do until I get to Walmart to load up on shotguns and cheap vodka.. Wait.. Everyone’s dead.. Shotguns and middle-level shelf vodka.. Might at well upgrade. I’ve determined the paper feed bar in the large printer would make a good head bashing tool. Metal yet light-weight. It would suffice.
8. HOSTILE NINJA TAKEOVER
Because no ninja takeover would be a non-hostile takeover. What would I do in case of a Ninja Take over? See #7 and sub “Zombie” for “ninja”. You have to be mentally prepared for anything.
9. Meeting Someone That Appreciates me for Being Me (with money).
I think a lot about how cool it will be when I meet an eccentric billionaire that wants to pay me millions of dollars because I’m awesome. The conversation will go like this:
Rich Guy: Hello
Me: What up Dude?
Rich Guy: You seem awesome!
Me: I am!
Rich Guy: I will pay you for your awesomeness.
Me: I accept
Together: HIGH FIVE!
10. Being able to be Honest with Everyone
I often fantasize about a world where its acceptable to tell F-tards that they are indeed, retarded. I think the world would be a better place if you can tell people “You are being an idiot.” And not worry about losing your job. I think the problem with a lot of people is that they honestly don’t know how big of moron they are. Telling them this will surely improve my social interactions. I think I may start implementing this one. I’ll let you know how that works out.
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