How to create custom birthday cards AND not do what your wife wants at the same time!

As an artist, everytime there is an event that needs any type of signage, logo, website, or whatever, I am automatically volunteered for the job. That's fine most of the time. Some times, however, I like to be as big of a pain in the ass about it as I can. This weekend, my wife went to visit her sister and took the kids with her. HELLZ YEA! DAY OFF WITH NO KIDS! YES PLEASE! But wait... "While I'm gone, will you work on your son's first birthday card? We need to get that done." DAMMIT! Fine. "It's monster themed, so remember that." OHHH.. I like monsters.. This may not be as bad as I first thought. Matter of fact, it could be fun. So I went the extra mile and  did a few versions so she would have options. Here Is what I came up with.

Version 1:
Dark Monster theme. Pop culture monster theme. Seems to fit the bill.

Version 2:

Simple yet rebellious monster.

Version 3:

A real monster. Seemed logical to add this one.

I can't wait to see which one my wife pics. Spoiler alert: she won't pick any of these and I just completely wasted 3 hours of my day.. Totally worth it.

Stuffed Animals with Mental Disorders (I want the whole set)

I can think of a few toys they are missing, but maybe with time they will be added to the pack.

Click here for the site.

Random Common Thoughts of an Artist. (Well..at least this artist)

1. Terrorizing That Damn Construction Site At My Highway Exit
I often fantasize about hitting all the traffic cones that have absolutely no purpose but to stop me from getting to work on time. Seriously. I’ve never once seen any road work done at this particular site. Never anything new or constructed. Same pot holes. Same old cracks.. Its just a big game of  “Which 2 out of 3 lanes should we close today to mess with all the decent people trying to actually get some work done today?” Lets keep them guessing… SO EXCITING!!!!!

2. The Death of Superman
This thought always begins with me planning out the death of superman. Complete with TPS reports and mood boards. Then walking into a random meeting and announcing: “I’m sorry I’m late. I’ve brought all of you together today because we share a common problem.  SUPERMAN!” Then pass out my reports and display my boards. Then wait to see how long it takes for someone to kick me out. I actually like Superman, but there can be only one (ahem..me). So he has to go.

3. Fort Cubawesome 
Turning my cubicle into a wicked fort. I would make sure you couldn’t get it or see into it unless I let you in. (which I wouldn’t). It would be the envy of the office. Inside would be a mini-bar, twizzlers pull-and-peel (because they are the only twizzlers there are) and an endless supply of oatmeal cream pies. (in my daydreams I’m an alcoholic fat kid).

4. My Lack of Usable Skills (sad face)
I often contemplate what the hell I would do for a living if suddenly all the computers in the world stopped working. (It could happen..I think). What the hell would I do if computers didn’t exist. My people skills are limited and I don’t like lifting anything over 12oz. Knowwhatimsayin? (high-five). I guess I would be a make-up designer and use my photoshop skills in real-life scenarios.

5. Talking to Uncle Sam
I like to think about what it would be like to be in the military like my brother. Then I think about calling a recruiter. Then I realize my wife would kill me. Then I ACTUALLY call a recruiter to save me from my wife’s constant beatings. THEN realize I could get shot in the military. Then hang up once the recruiter picks up the phone. Then go home and play Call of Duty Black Ops and tell people how little they know about actual warfare.

6. How Awesome I am at Call of Duty
More daydreaming about playing Call of Duty. Thinking of running around with the crossbow listening to everyone else yelling at me for being a “NOOB"while using an idiotic weapon. Then hunting them down and shooting them in the back of the head with said crossbow. HAHAHAHAHAHA You can’t mock me when you’re dead! HAHAHA. BOOM! Head Shot!

7. ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE
What would I do in case of a zombie apocalypse. I actually spend a lot of time contemplating this one. Its important to be prepared ya know. What would I make into a weapon. Who’s car would I steal? In case of a zombie take-over, there’s no way I would be caught dead in my lame Pontiac Vibe. I’m eying the Escalade in the parking lot. Stylish, yet effective and smooshing some undead corpses. Also, I would need a weapon that will make do until I get to Walmart to load up on shotguns and cheap vodka.. Wait.. Everyone’s dead.. Shotguns and middle-level shelf vodka.. Might at well upgrade. I’ve determined the paper feed bar in the large printer would make a good head bashing tool. Metal yet light-weight. It would suffice.  

8. HOSTILE NINJA TAKEOVER
Because no ninja takeover would be a non-hostile takeover. What would I do in case of a Ninja Take over? See #7 and sub “Zombie” for “ninja”. You have to be mentally prepared for anything.

9. Meeting Someone That Appreciates me for Being Me (with money).
I think a lot about how cool it will be when I meet an eccentric billionaire that wants to pay me millions of dollars because I’m awesome. The conversation will go like this:
Rich Guy: Hello
Me: What up Dude?
Rich Guy: You seem awesome!
Me: I am!
Rich Guy: I will pay you for your awesomeness.
Me: I accept
Together: HIGH FIVE!

 

10. Being able to be Honest with Everyone
I often fantasize about a world where its acceptable to tell F-tards that they are indeed, retarded. I think the world would be a better place if you can tell people “You are being an idiot.” And not worry about losing your job. I think the problem with a lot of people is that they honestly don’t know how big of moron they are. Telling them this will surely improve my social interactions. I think I may start implementing this one. I’ll let you know how that works out.

Mrs. Fields....You suck.

No, I'm not talking about the sweet old lady across the street that spends an abnormal amount of timing in her front lawn picking up the leaves as the fall from the tree. I'm talking about the Mrs. Fields that claim they can make cookies. www.mrsfields.com .

It started the day before my daughters birthday party when my wife says, "Hey you sexy stud of a beef God, (that's her nickname for me) would you draw a unicorn for me to put on our daughters birthday cake cookie? I'm going to Mrs. F-tards in an hour and need one for the cake." To which I replied, WHAT? An hour.. How do I make a great masterpiece of a unicorn in an hour? I'm going to have to do at least 3 thumbnails to even think about which direction I want to take this unicorn. Not to mention final inking and coloring. ONE HOUR?, EFF-THAT! After my wife severely beat me for that outburst, I had 10 minutes remaining after I got up the nerve to stop crying and crawl out of the fetal position. 5 minutes later I had this masterpiece.

Sassy, yet elegant in my opinion.. Something a 4 year old could really appreciate. OR if they don't, wtf do they know, they are 4 years old. So, I proudly give this to my lovely wife to take to the cookie gods of Mrs. Fields. Can you guys put this on the cake, she asked? SURE... No problem. They said.. What they really meant was.. "uh duh duh, I got a wooden spoon, uh duh duh."

So. She dropped it off and it was my duty to pick it up that night before they closed. I go up there to pick it up. "Are you here for the uh.. unicorn cookie?" Uh... Yea.. Why do you say it like that? They bring it over like they killed my goldfish and hid it in the box. They opened it up and showed me their interpretation of my unicorn. See below.

WTF IS THAT? Does this work? She asked? The party is tomorrow morning, I guess its going to have to work, I said. What. the. hell. is that even supposed to be? Why does it have 3 ears. What the hell did they do to my beautiful creation?

So, I did what any proud artist would do when their creation has been mutilated. As soon as I got home, I tried to cut its face off. After my wife wrestled me to the ground and took the knife away, I calmed down a little. 

The next day we went to the party and I was terrified of all the 4 year olds sitting around my cake saying, what is that supposed to be. Luckily it was precut for them and they never had the chance to see it. 

As for Mrs. Fields. You suck.. And that's putting it nicely.